Shark Week: Snow Shark

We're really digging into the bottom of the barrel with this one. Snow Shark is as lame as they come and is a B-movie in every sense of the word. If you thought that Super Shark was trash, oh boy, Snow Shark makes it look like a Hollywood Blockbuster.

The basic concept of Snow Shark is that, for whatever inexplicable reason, there is a shark swimming around through the snow and terrorizing the citizens of an otherwise small, quiet town. Whereas in Super Shark I complained about the over-exposition and talking way too much about science things that don't really matter, here it doesn't even try. It's just a fucking shark in the fucking snow and you have to fucking deal with it. Makes me wonder, where does the shark go when the snow melts? Is it limited to just swimming in snow? It's not like the snow in the movie was ten feet deep, it was barely above the actors ankles most of the time so the shark must've been burrowing underground. The only explanation they ever give is, "It must be ancient". Not trying to be hypocritical here, but this sort of thing deserves a little more backstory then "It's ancient". How did the bastard get so far inland? The setting is obviously nowhere near any oceans. Who gives a shit? It's a damn shark movie.

Viewers of this movie may be disappointed to find that 90% of the shots of the shark look like this:

and that 100% of the kills look something like this:

You get some very, very brief shaky shots of a shark head grabbing people and the rest happens off screen and they just throw blood everywhere. I suppose I could understand not wanting to give a lot of screen time to what is likely one of the more embarrassing-looking movie monsters in existence but you never get a single good look at it, most of the time it's just a dorsal fin and people being dragged off screen.

The acting by the way is an absolute joke and the whole time I was expecting some kind of plot twist where everyone in the town is actually a Terminator which would explain why there is nary an emotion to be found. It doesn't help that they're delivering some of the most awkwardly written dialogue I've ever seen which includes screenwriting gems such as:

"Promise me you'll kill that damn snow shark if it's the last thing you do!"

"Tom, where are you going?"
"I have a shark to kill."

"Mom wouldn't treat me like this if she was still around."

"Well she isn't around is she?"

"I hate you!"

The list goes on. Every character interaction is worthy of a cringe or two and it's laughable when the movie tries to be serious.

It's also got some all-too-obvious horror cliches like no one believing in the Snow Shark at first or going off alone to take a leak at night. There's not a single shark attack scene where you wouldn't know what was coming a mile away.

Ah, the ol' brush-snow-on-top-of-your-legs-and-scatter-some-blood effect never fails to get the Oscar.

But perhaps I'm being too hard on this flick. I guessed about halfway through that it had been an entry in a film festival of some sort gauging that the budget appeared to be about a week's worth of allowance. As it turns out, I was right and this was in fact submitted to several horror-festivals and actually won several of them. So, if you look at it that way, it's not that bad. As far as the entertainment factor goes, it's certainly less boring than Super Shark but there are much better shitty shark movies out there. So, if you want something campy and stupid, this is a good choice.