Gas Powered Toaster Ovens

So, I was watching Dragon Ball Z this afternoon...

Yeah, y'know that episode where Trunks and Kuririn destroy Dr. Gero's lab to destroy Cell in his larvel state? Well, during that episode Trunks happens upon the schematics for Andriod 17, exclaiming,

"By analyzing this we might be able to find 17's weak point!"

Implying that 17 has a weak point.

But I digress, when Kuririn asks Trunks if there's anything else important in there, Trunks responds with,

"Nah, just some crazy plans for a gas powered toaster oven."

And then they blow up everything.

"Douchebags."

But I'm really interested in this Gas Powered Toaster. How would that even work? I suppose a gas powered toaster oven might have either a key hole on it somewhere or perhaps a pull starter? That'd be pretty inconvenient just to heat up some food. And imagine the noise.

"Yeah, I'm just gonna go heat up some midnight pizza!"

[Pulls string, pulls string]

"Fuck,"

[Pulls string.]

BWARRRR-AP-AP-AP-AP-AP-AP-AP-AP-AP-AP-RRRRR-AP-AP-AP-AP

"Dude! Walk quieter! I don't want to wake my parents!"

It just doesn't seem very practical if you think about it. Think about having to buy gas for your toaster oven... And then just think about the carbon monoxide output! You could choke to death just by using it in an enclosed room.

And then who would shut up the activists?

But perhaps the machine's impracticality is why it never sold or maybe even was never finished. That or because Dr. Gero had to go and die. Well, sort of... I mean we all know that Dr. Gero is part cat right? How many times did that poor sucker die? Oh, did you not know this? Dr. Gero has more on-screen deaths than any other character in the series. That's right, more than Kuririn.

Typically, via foot decapitation.

But anyway, I have to take a moment to say that I love the thought of Dr. Gero, between working on his diabolical plots to take over the world, building 17 and 18 and collecting bio-extract for Cell, he spends some time working on the schematics for his Gas Powered Toaster Oven.

Why would one even need schematics for such a device? Isn't it simple for the genius mind mind of someone like Gero who, mind you, basically built his own body by himself? I'm no expert but I figure, you just take an old toaster oven, take out the electric stuff and put in the engine and what not and there you go!

What if Dr. Gero's true dream was to change the world with his Gas Powered Toasters? His androids were only a side note, but his ambition was the Toaster. I recall Dr. Brief saying,

"It's a shame. Perhaps if Dr. Gero had used his abilities for good the world would be a better place."

A better place indeed. One with Red Ribbon's patented Gas Powered Toaster Ovens.

The Grey

Quick, spoiler-free review

The Grey is both an emotionally moving and horrifying thriller depicting the fight for survival isolated somewhere in Alaska. While flawed, the movie is still quite good and probably worth your time. I'd recommend it. But please, note, it's the sort of movie that must be watched in one sitting from beginning to end. Don't try to space it out, because it'll ruin it.

Now that we have that out of the way...

The film starts by introducing our protagonist, Liam Neeson playing the, rough-around-the-edges, Ottway, who works at a petroleum plant in Alaska, killing wolves so that they can't get into the plant and kill people.

The workers all get on a plane to go home and it crashes. The crash is an awesome scene and is probably the best I've seen in a movie. It's shot frantically and it really captures the hell of such a situation. Once the plane lands, the movie begins. The few survivors suddenly realize that they're being hunted by wolves when Ottway is attacked that night. People speculate the realism of the wolves in this movie... I'm not an expert but I'm not a fan of mercilessly nitpicking movies to death, so I'll just keep my mouth shut.

Besides, the movie is about the characters and the trials they have to overcome. It's a poignant film. It's not a movie with a high body count, but every time it's painful to watch and it's tragic. The movie forces the audience to feel for the characters. It's effective at making you feel like you're in that position and that the deaths are real people rather than just characters on a screen.

Of course it goes without saying that Liam Neeson does a phenomenal job. There are some very emotional moments which he delivers amazingly. The rest of the cast is decent but it would be better if the characters were fleshed out more rather than just being supporting roles.

One thing that's rather unfortunate is the CG. It's not that I'm going to say this movie overdid it, it really didn't. But the CG that was in it looked pretty bad. In one scene the characters are looking over on a cliffside and it looks horrible. It's too bad, it really brought down the scene.

Sort of spoiler time

I think that many people are divided over the way the movie ends. I personally like it. It's intensely dramatic. The score perfectly coincides with the moment and when Ottway quoted the poem Into the Fray, I got chills.

End sort of spoiler time

All in all, The Grey is an gritty and intense thriller that boasts some very riveting scenes. Give it a watch some time.

8/10 Recommended.

Plan Your Own Zombie Apocalypse

Zombie apocalypses vary greatly from story to story.

Ever want to plan your own?

Well, this handy guide will help you decide just what kind of zombie apocalypse you want! Just follow the easy step by step instructions.

Step 1: Identify your Zombie

No two zombie movies are alike and neither are their zombies. Here you will decide the exact type of zombie you want. These zombies are placed by tiers and with each succeeding tier, they become more dangerous.

Tier 1: The Voodoo Zombie (As seen in: White Zombie)

These guys aren't much to worry about. They're docile but delirious. They wander aimlessly and are subject to the command of their masters. They can be killed by conventional means. I don't really see how an apocalypse would get started from zombies like these.

Tier 2: The Romero Zombie (As seen in: Night of the Living Dead)

These are the classic, mindless, flesh eating, brain-dead freaks. They take a headshot to kill (or just any sort of brain destruction). They are slow and can't move above walking speed, but they are dangerous in massive numbers. If you are bitten by one you become one. Simple as that. They can't use weapons or do anything involving any amount of advanced motor skills. They are unintelligent and could be fooled by simply a glass pane (Dawn of the Dead). They'll eat any meat they can sink their teeth into.

Tier 3: (As seen in: 28 Days Later)

These Zombies are much more dangerous. Unlike the Tier 2 zombies, these guys are agile and deadly. Rather than relying simply on numbers, these guys can kill by themselves. They can run and jump just as well as we can and sometimes better. They can still be killed the same way.

Tier 4: (As seen in: Return of the Living Dead)

These zombies are the end. If you get stuck with these zombies, it's all over. Everything from before applies only these ones are much smarter and harder to kill. A simple headshot will not do the trick, every body part acts independently, so simply cutting off a limb will only cause it to crawl around and a head shot won't do much at all. These guys can use weapons, talk and have even been known to set traps.

The state of the world

How far along is this apocalypse? How has the world been holding up?

Tier 1: Before (As seen in: Resident Evil)

This is before the zombie outbreak has gone public. It is still relatively contained, at least in an enclosed area. That doesn't mean it's any less deadly

Tier 2: The Beginning (As seen in: Return of the Living Dead)

The apocalypse has just begun and zombies are starting to run rampant throughout a city or town. The army often tries to fight back.

Tier 3: Going Strong (As seen in: Dawn of the Dead)

The zombies have spread beyond city limits and are out and about throughout many miles. Humanity is still very much intact, but it's likely that the city it originated in is a hellhole.

Tier 4: The War (As seen in: Day of the Dead)

Humanity is on it's last toes and a full on war against the undead is underway. Humans may be taking to camps rather than living in cities. Mass panic.

Tier 5: Aftermath (As seen in: Zombieland)

The human population has dwindled to a mere handful. People roam about the deserted wasteland, scavenging for food and supplies and trying to avoid the many ghouls.

Tier 6: Rebuilding (As seen in: Survival of the Dead)

The zombie apocalypse happened several decades ago. Zombies still roam freely but the human population has gotten it's second wind and has gained a foothold. They are trying to start a new society.

Adding a twist into the mix

What else is at play here other than zombies?

Nothing:

There are many zombie apocalypses that are nothing but zombies. If you don't feel that there's anything else your apocalypse needs, skip this.

Monsters: (As seen in: The Resident Evil Series)

Besides the typical zombies, humans also must contend with giant mutated freaks of nature. They serve as a sort of boss battle in the apocalypse.

Corrupt Governments/Militaries: (As seen in: The Crazies)

In this case, the government wants to put a stop to the impeding doom at any cost... even that of human life.

Raiders/Bandits: (As seen in: Planet Terror)

Just other humans who are trying to get by in the end of the world... it just so happens that they'd rather kill you and take whatever it is you may have been carrying rather than find things themselves.

This One Time...

Where I live, there is nothing to do.

Nothing to do anywhere. Ever. It's a small town that is the centerpiece for a bunch of suburban areas and is the only thing resembling a city in, probably the entire state. People hang out on the streets just doing drugs and whatever else happened to be in what was just sold to them. An environment like this tends to attract all sorts of interesting folk, many of them creepy and some just straight up bizarre and while From here on out, when I refer to any story that takes place in this setting, I will refer to it as a Downtown Story. Although I mentioned creepy people, this story has nothing to do with any of them. But trust me when I say they are creepy. Y'know that kind of guy.

This kind of guy.

One of the many popular places to be

Are the train tracks. I go down with ifmymemoryservesme.jpeg, three other people. We will call them, Broman, Cool Kid and Eben. Broman is pretty outdoorsy. He plays sports but isn't so far gone that he could be called a jock. Besides he watches a shit-load of Anime so that makes up for it. Cool Kid is the type who prefers winter and stays inside, playing video games most of the time. He also tends to wear all black but that's not a very important detail. Eben is... just Eben. I don't know, he's hard to describe. I might have an entire blog post on this person at some point.

So anyway, we walk down the small hill in between buildings to get to the train tracks. They're not heavily trafficked, (I think they get one or two trains a day?) so it's quite safe to walk all over them.

The first thing we notice when we get down there is a glass bottle that would've been used to hold Vodka. Now, down by those tracks you find discarded glass bottles all the time. It's the kind of place where hobos stand solemnly before getting arrested and pulling fake weapons on the cop (And yes that did actually happen once). The only thing that made this glass different was that it was upright on some concrete steps (That have honestly, never seen use. They lead up to a door which is basically barricaded) and the bottle wasn't empty. It was half full of not vodka but a mysterious yellow liquid.

A bit like this except a vodka bottle... and also less yellow liquid...

If you're thinking what we were thinking then you're a normal person. After standing around for awhile we decided to go but instead of going back the usual way, we decided to take a different way that involved running up a steep dirt slope to get to an alleyway and then the main street. Cool Kid decided he'd go first so he started running up the hill. Broman followed suit followed by Eben followed by me. When we were nearing the top I suddenly spotted two people talking right where we would have to walk past. If you've been to this town, then you know that you don't want to just walk by any old person in an alleyway, it's simply not recommended.

Seeing this...

I decide to bail. They were probably just normal people, but I wasn't going to have anything to do with it. I promptly turn around and start to head back down. Eben sees this go down and follows me in the bail. Broman sees Eben go and, like him also decides to quit. So, Cool Kid is the odd man out and is the only one who doesn't see any of this. While he maks it to the top, we make it to the bottom and we all silently agree to play this up in the most dickish way possible.

Cool Kid, upon arriving at the summit, turns around to find that we are not behind him. He looks down and there we are running away. I look back. We make eye contact. He holds his arms out on either side in confusion and I flip him off, naturally. He notices the creepy duo standing right near him in the dark and they see him. Before it was too late he started running back down the slope and we start heading towards the small hill that we came down. As he Cool Kid hits the bottom of the dirt slope, we pass the concrete steps and Broman grabs the bottle of mysterious yellow liquid and...

Don't ever ask why but...

Throws it at him. Or more or less in his direction. The throw had a lot of hight to it as the distance was far. It comes down onto the tracks and shatters audibly. Two other people who were chatting at the top of the hill Broman, Eben and I are running up, hear this and turn to look for what may have caused it just as we come around the corner into sight. Thinking quickly, we all turn to look for the noise as well, pretending to be confused (Keep in mind this all happened in a matter of seconds). We then pretend that we don't care, shrug it off and walk away as if we had nothing to do with it.

The next person to come up that hill is Cool Kid. The two guys immediately assume that it's Cool Kid who was smashing things and looks at him warily. One of them threatens to call the cops. Cool Kid runs and meets us around the corner on the street. He's pretty good natured about such things and doesn't get all pissy over it, so we move on.

And that is one of my many stories.

My Non-Existant Fanbase

I'm writing this for more than one reason.

One is that, hooray! My blog is celebrating it's 100th hit!

So, thank you for those views which are mostly from Russia.

You get this in return.

But what I really came here to talk about is...

A couple of comments posted right on this very blog. By the time this is being read, they'll be deleted but I wanted to make sure that they would be written about and remembered forever.

Now, the alleged poster goes by the user name George Smith, which judging by the fact that it's also his name on his Google+ account, I'm guessing is legit.

Here's the comment

If you can't read that it says: "The one thing that would make this blog even close to readable would be the addition of Helicopter penis."

Also known as Penis-Copter or Helicockter

It's a bit of an odd coincidence that I was going to write a blog post about Penis-Copters but due to this comment I guess it's too late for that. A Penis-Copter is just a remote controlled helicopter that looks like a dong. You can see how in the picture, the ballsack is the body of the aircraft and the shaft is the

tail-fin. That picture is of Gary Kasparov from a press conference in Russia when he was ambushed by one of these phallic aircrafts. Hm, that's twice I've gotten pictures from Russia in this post...

But that's besides the point.

The point is is that this comment seems to serve no purpose whatsoever. There certainly wasn't anything even remotely related to Helicopter Dicks. It seems like an odd complaint. If I'd mentioned a Penis-Copter without  including a picture, that would be inexcusable but I didn't, so this complaint makes very little sense to me. I also don't understand why the exclusion of penis shaped helicopters would make the post unreadable. I used perfect grammar and sentence structure... Maybe George doesn't speak very good English?

This comment was followed up by this link.

http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lw2ry4XTVx1r83hpeo1_400.gif

I'm not entirely sure I'm even going to talk about that link at all just so I can make you, cautious viewer, even more curious as to what that link is.

I think that George is having trouble keeping his mind off of penises. I mean, why would he post dicks in a completely unrelated blog post. Poor George Smith.

Well, there's nothing I can do for him so here's another picture of Russia.

So... Sequels

Alright, I'm getting really tired of this..

Some times, a movie should just remain a movie. Not every plots needs a follow up. Some times, where the last film left off is perfect, and you walk away with just the right feeling

Unfortunately, Hollywood doesn't see it this way.

As far as Hollywood is concerned, whatever made money last time should work just as well when there's a higher number stuck on the end of the title. I feel like the horror genre suffers most greatly from this.

I've already talked about the Saw movies and how those sequels could've been handled much better.

There weren't enough severed limbs in the first movie.

But this is far from being a rare case. Let's take one that's happening right now.

You've all seen Paranormal Activity right? Now, I've got nothing against this movie. I loved it. I'm a fan of Blair Witch inspired, found footage movies. The movie works by showing you so little. You never actually see the demon, it's never even established that what the thing is is, in fact, a demon. All of that mystery makes the movie work really well.

Well, since the first was such a commercial success, they just had to make a sequel. Like any sequel they felt they tried to outdo the previous and for PA that means upping the number of cameras. I'll admit, I did like it. At first I thought it was going to be a completely unrelated incident but it ended up being a prequel to the first movie. I'm glad that it didn't end up being a complete repeat of the first movie, but I'm not so sure if it even needed to be made. Well, I thought at the very least it'd be the end of it but...

Really? A third one? I'll be honest, I never got around to seeing this, but I know enough about it. It's another prequel, as if going forward just makes too much sense.

Of course not.

Well, anyway, it was a trilogy. So, that's fine. It's not like they'll...

Wat

Four? Is that a joke? Four? What could this possibly be about? They already did two prequels! Everyone by the end of the first one is dead! What could this possibly be about? And of course the tagline says, "All the activity has lead to this." That is such a cliche tag-... okay, look. All of these sequels demystify the original. There's too much exposition in these films. I liked it better when it was just a creepy thing. Whatever. As far as over exposition goes, this series isn't that bad.

Not at all like...

This poor series.

This series was just a sad rape. We all know how it goes. It starts out just with an escaped crazy who kills off the babysitters for God knows why. It was so creepy how there was no motive, no rhyme or reason. Just the mute killer known as Michael Myers.

Nope

But there's not enough time to delve into that sad anthology.

Back to what I was saying about sequels, sometimes I feel like it's just way too obviously a ploy to get more money. If something was successful, just do it again. The worst part about movies like this, is that they always make tons of money, so it only further convinces Hollywood that doing this is a good idea.

Really? Taken 2? Couldn't they at least have had the damn decency to call it something better? Taken 2 sounds terrible. Don't get me wrong, I loved the first movie. It was great, but that's no reason to make another one. It's just not the sort of plot that needs a sequel.

After all of this...

You probably think I hate sequels. I don't always hate sequels, sometimes it's fun to see the characters you already know in another film. James Bond movies are awesome and I'll always cough up to see another 007 flick. What I'm against is raping plot out of movies that stand alone.

Good God, all that ranting and I didn't even touch remakes yet. Perhaps that'll be another time.

Which Fantasy World Would I Like to Live In?

I was cruising around the internet this afternoon when this image popped up.

Which world would I want to live in? Well, I'm leaning towards none of them.

I'll go through one by one and explain why.

-Sure wouldn't want to live in the Avatar timeline with all that war going on.

-Bleach takes place on Earth presently, so there wouldn't be much change there.

-Minecraft? Having no one? Anywhere? Forever? Sounds great.

-Yes, I'm sure it would be great fun to live in League of Legends a world full of sad virgins and not a single female to speak of.

-Metroid? That's kind of broad. Is it referring to living as Samus? Because that'd actually be pretty badass if you don't mind constantly having to kill horrific alien bugs every day.

-Oh yeah, I'm sure it'd be tons of fun living in the zombie apocalypse world of Resident Evil.

-Death Note? Again, that wouldn't change much assuming we're just living in that world and not taking on the lives of the characters in which case, that'd suck because we'd die.

-Ah, yes, living in the forgotten world of Digimon would only make me wish I was living in Poke'mon.

-Silent Hill? Are you shitting me?

-The alien apocalyptic world of Halo must be great fun.

-Dr. Who might be fun if that world didn't suck so much that it was painful.

-Dragonball Z, I'll admit, would be awesome assuming you got to be a Z fighter. If not, have fun dying on a daily basis along with the rest of humanity.

-Final Fantasy would actually be pretty chill.

-I'm sure that living in the world of Devil May Cry, which is literally Hell, would be a blast.

-Gundam. Again. Interstellar space war. No good.

-I'm assuming this would mean being a wizard in the Harry Potter timeline. As long as you're lucky enough to exist after the movies, it'd be great.

-The Sims? Why is this even on here?

-To live in Mario's world is like the end of Skyrim where it's just endless fetch quests. If you like that, you'd love it here.

-The post apocalyptic world of Half-Life would be awesome, I'm sure.

-Naruto suffers the same fate as Dr.Who in which it might be okay if it wasn't atrocious.

-Mortal Kombat? Being forced to do battle and then die horribly would be fantastic. Sign me up.

-Living in the pirate run world of One Piece doesn't seem ideal.

-Poke'mon would be the shit.

-You could live in the world of the Power Rangers but you'd have to deal with getting more embarrassing year after year.

-The Elder Scrolls seems really broad. It doesn't do anything to specify a timeline which makes it hard to say weather or not I'd want to live there considering how diverse it's history is. I'm going to guess by the emblem there that it's referring to Skyrim, in which case I'd have to turn it down. Giant civil war? Dragons constantly attacking? Yeah, sounds great.

-Sonic? Does it mean to live as Sonic or just to live in Sonic's world? I don't think either would be that fun.

-Star Trek might be interesting granted you're not a redshirt.

-Star Wars. Yet again. Interstellar war only this time it's in the fucking name. I feel like this should be obvious.

-Narnia would be fine if it weren't for all of the WAR.

-Touhou? I'll be honest, I have no idea what that is.

-I really wish this thing was more specific. If I were to live in the Ninja Turtle world who would I be? One of the turtles? Splinter? My own, new turtle? Which generation would I be in? The blood soaked original, the 80's version or the 90's version? Maybe one of the live action ones? Who knows? If I were just a human in that world, again, I don't think there'd be much difference.

-Fullmetal Alchemist! Now there's a world. Too bad it's shaken by constant war and conflict.

-I think Yu-Gi-Oh would suffer the same fate as Digimon.

-I'm afraid I've never heard of Vampire Knight...

-Lord of the Rings could be good depending on who you are, but for the most part I feel like it'd just be like living in the dark ages... and the dark ages suck.

-You can't just say, The Legend of Zelda and think we're going to know what you're talking about. This has a more diverse timeline than TMNT or The Elder Scrolls, so I have simply no idea when or where I'd end up by stepping into this world. Judging by the emblem I could guess that it's referring specifically to The Ocarina of Time, which would mean you'd have at least seven miserable years to deal with. If you don't mind that, The Legend of Zelda is for you.

-I figured Soul Eater would be on here somewhere simply because it has a recognizable emblem. If you're a typical human in Soul Eater you wouldn't notice any difference. Being a weapon-meister or simply a weapon, which is what I'm guessing this chart was suggesting, might be okay. You'd just have to not mind having to save the world and all that.

-Really? My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic? I'll admit, living in this timeline would be ten times more preferable than most of these others, as long as you don't get stuck being a stupid earth pony, which would suck.

-I have no idea what it would be like to live in Spyro's world. I'm guessing being a dragon would be pretty neat being able to breathe fire (and nothing else, mind you, those later games don't count for shit) and fly, but Spyro doesn't have much semblance of a civilization established. You just fly from world to world... So, it's pretty hard to say for this one.

-I'm assuming this is referring to the cartoon rather than those God-awful Michael Bay abominations. Being a transformer might be cool if it weren't for the never ending conflict. Being a human would suck because you'd be cursed to be petty and absurdly annoying.

-I'm not entirely sure what Gurren Lagann is...

-Lastly, we have Kingdom Hearts which, honestly wouldn't be much different from Final Fantasy. So, yeah, I bet it'd be pretty good.

Well, that's my cynical over-analyzation for today. In the end, I'd probably stay right where I was. Well, maybe I'd go into Poke'mon.