Top 10 Reasons To Hate Grindcore

When I wrote my article titled Unquantifiable, I talked about how music is not something that can be graded but rather something that varies from person to person; that it's an entirely taste-based thing. That being said, I also jokingly remarked that this doesn't change the fact that if you listen to grindcore, you're still a fucking idiot. I wanted to elaborate on what I was talking about when I said that. Grindcore is a genre of metal that utilizes guttural growling, pig squealing, overdriven basses and so much guitar distortion that it becomes almost unrecognizable as an instrument. Here's a prominent grindcore band for reference.

Since I didn't want to make a whole long rant about this, I'll make it easy. Here's top 10 reasons to hate grindcore.

10. Embarrassing Band Names

"Oh, what sort of bands are you into?"

"These days I'm really digging Anal Cunt, Sperm Swamp, Meat Shits and Cock and Ball Torture."

Grindcore is a genre that is built upon shock-value and attention-seeking. Thus, most bands give themselves repulsive titles that you can't even discuss in public without sounding like a necrophiliac. It's one thing to have a name that's edgy and badass sounding like Darkthrone or Beneath the Massacre but grindcore takes it to a whole new level of stupidity.

9. Disgusting Lyrics

I know I'm starting to sound more and more like a mother who's kid listens to metal but seriously the lyrics of the typical grindcore band ranges from outright disposition towards everything to the point of absurdity, to graphic descriptions of gore, to something that sounds like it was written by a dirty minded sixth grader who just learned what sex is.

For example:

Randomly Raped Rectum by Lividity:

Now, I apologize because that's downright abhorrent but it's only the icing on the cake that is grindcore lyrics. If you're curious enough, you can go searching for yourself.

The thing that most bothers me about this is not that it's just gross and stupid but that most metal lyrics are about deep topics ranging from human nature, to life and death, to debating religion and other times just being about mythology or the natural world around us. Grindcore is an absolute joke by comparison.

8. Gross-Out Artwork

I'm not going to post any pictures of the sort of shit that grindcore bands like to use for their album covers because not only is it way beyond NSFW, I hate looking at it and I don't want to search for it. Once again, if you're curious enough, go looking for yourself but I warn you, it's nasty shit.

Who would want to have that sort of garbage in their music library or have it staring at them whenever it shuffles up on their MP3 player? Furthermore, the artwork shown on the covers of these albums prevents them from being able to be sold anywhere that has any kind of standards. Knowing that almost makes it seem that these bands are begging to have their shit pirated.

It's commonplace for death meal bands to put all sorts of gore on their album covers, but even there it's fucking annoying.

7. Void Fanbase

Good God, there's nothing worse than an avid grindcore fan. If you thought typical metalheads were bad, you have no idea. Go check out some grindcore forums or read the comments underneath a grindcore video on Youtube.

The fans are the kind of person who is enthralled by this sort of edgy-goad that these bands are intentionally appealing towards. They listen to grindcore purely to "like" something that no one else can stand and to seem badass. They are not badass. They are annoying.

6. Poser Artists

And while we're on the subject of posing, let's take a look at the artists themselves. These guys sing about killing random people, hating everything, rape, burning shit and just general deviance. So who are these mentally unstable, and seriously dangerous individuals? Let's take a look.

Here's a picture of Goat Eater trying to look as badass as possible.

Look out! He's gonna get you!

Not convinced these characters are true threats everyone around them? Take a look at Brutal Dissection.

Oh fuck! Leather jackets!

So basically, they're those weird kids who sat at the table in the corner when you were in high-school. I'm not saying that I'm disappointed that they're not murdering and raping everyone who crosses them, I'm saying they should practice what they fucking preach. Black metal bands talk about burning churches and sacrificing animals but the artists actually do that shit.
Oh, and by the way, if you were thinking that I'm being unfair and that black metal bands are likely the same thing, here's Gorgoroth.

5. Those Vocals

The vocals of that music you heard above was probably the most standout thing to you. I shouldn't even have to say anything about it because it's the bloody elephant in the room. It's growly, pig-squealing to the point of almost being funny. I cannot imagine seriously listening to that shit all the time.

4. Kettle Drums

Why is it that every fucking grindcore band in existence has to have kettle drums? If you don't know what kettle drums are, listen to that song above again. Or if you want another example, try this and pay attention to the drumming.

It's just a kind of drum that happens to sound like popcorn on cocaine. Once you notice that it's there, it's so blisteringly annoying that you'll never be able to focus on anything else. Why can't they just use, oh I don't know, normal drums? Like everyone else?

3. No Variety

As long as I'm talking about things that every grind band does, I may as well just address the overall lack of variety in general. In any other sect of metal, you'd be looking at dozens of sub-genres within those encompassing titles. In black metal alone, you have Raw Black Metal, Folk Metal, Ambient Black Metal, Avant-Garde Black Metal, Post-Black Metal, Atmospheric Black Metal, Industrial Black Metal, Viking Metal, Experimental Black Metal, Depressive Black Metal, Symphonic Black Metal, Melodic Black Metal and that's only scratching the surface.

When it comes to grind you've got, Grindcore (pure), Deathgrind (a combination of death and grind elements), Pornogrind (grindcore with lyrics about porn), Cybergrind (I honestly have no idea what that is) and Noisegrind (basically just noise). That is literally everything I found after searching dark grind forums.

2. No Respect Among The Metal Community

There's a reason that you'd have to look into strictly grindcore forums to find anything about grindcore. As far as the metal community is concerned, grindcore is not even considered metal. I am dead serious. If you've ever wanted to be laughed out of a metal thread, start talking about how much you love grind.

You will get shit on harder than a Torsofuk dream.

1. It Gives The Rest Of Us A Shitty Reputation

As much as almost every strongly held conception of metal and the metal community is largely false, people still consider it to be a kind of music dominated by freaks, killers and brain-dead headbangers. While bands like Cannibal Corpse have done nothing but reinforce that from day one, there's nothing that's holding that up to the extent that grindcore is.

With all of that absurd banging on kettle drums, extreme distortion, growls that are so guttural it's laughable, lyrics about gore and porn and names that are gross just to say, grindcore is almost a parody of the metal genre. If it were just that, a satyrical look at our community, not to be taken seriously (like the Weird-Al Yankovic of metal), that'd be fine with me. Unfortunately, that's not the case and people actually do take this music seriously.

Given all of that, it's no wonder metal is hated by everyone outside of it. You have to dig around all of that garbage to discover the poetic nature that encompasses the bulk of metal. So thank you cordially, grindcore, for not just making yourselves look like perverted teenagers going through a phase, but for making all of us look like that too.