The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug

I gave The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey a fairly disparaging review this time last year. Most notably, I griped over it's excessive usage of CG (in stark contrast to the Lord of the Rings trilogy) and it's goofy, kid-friendliness. Despite this, I maintained an expectation for The Desolation of Smaug, hoping beyond hope that it would be something of an improvement over the first film. Thankfully, it was.

As I said in my previous review, one of the strongest things that this movie has going for it is it's cast. I'm more fond of Bilbo now than I was watching the first one and besides being just as quirky and clever, his character is fleshed out more in this installment. He carries with him the One Ring that he thieved off of Gollum in the first movie and frequently uses it's invisibility. However, this power comes at a price and we see that the Ring's evil is already rubbing off as Bilbo casts the occasional dark stare and becomes intermittently aggressive during combat. It's not a subplot that leads anywhere, but it remains ever ominous.

The rest of the cast is strong as well. One of the most surprising appearences to see in this film was that of Evangeline Lilly of Lost fame who plays a likable Wood Elf named Tauriel. Ian McKellen is as great as always as Gandalf The Grey and the company of dwarves are much more interesting this time around as they too are explored much more and offer more than simply comic-relief.

I found this film to be something of a series of highs and lows. One scene would be invigorating and exciting and the next would be much less so. I'm not simply referring to action scenes versus talking scenes. Talking scenes can be just as interesting if the subject is something of interest. However I found that oftentimes this was not the case. I don't much care of the going ons of a small, malnourished lake-town or a bowman named Bard, no matter how charming his children. I understand that the writers are really reaching for filler, trying to stretch a single book over three films but in the end, filler is filler and I found myself bored more than once in the theatre.

On the other spectrum, the action in this one is worlds better than it was in the first. Gone is the slapstick silliness that encompassed much of An Unexpected Journey. In Smaug, we have action that feels much more like the Lord of the Rings that we all know and love. Heads are sliced from their shoulders, Orcs are impaled by arrows and I actually saw blood in one scene. Don't get me wrong, I'm not just a blood-hound who's in it for gore, but I prefer my Middle Earth to be geared towards adults rather than trying to pander to a broader age-group. It's still not on par with the "realistic" war sequences and gritty sword fights that was just one of the many things that made the original trilogy so exemplary, but it's a start.

My main complaint against this film besides the whole...

Who the fuck decided to shoot this film in forty frames per second that is so fucking annoying and no one liked it the first time so why do it again you stubborn bastards I hope the idiot who came up with that shitty idea fucking burns to death fuck.

Yeah, besides that, would be that nothing anywhere in the film, perhaps save for the wide, mountainous landscape shots, looks real or natural. Even the aged and gnarled tendrils of the Elven woods look remarkably set-like. Everything appears as if it's trying very hard to look old, ancient and intricate without actually being old, ancient or intricate somehow. It's stuck halfway between something out of a storybook and a real landscape and filling the cracks with CG didn't help to make the result any less awkward. Fresh off of Valhalla Rising, the "natural" world of Middle Earth has never looked more artificial to me.

I think that this one is worth the watch much more so than the first. If you watched An Unexpected Journey and liked that, you'll like this. If you didn't like An Unexpected Journey, then you should probably see this anyway because it's an improvement and the final scenes (which I won't spoil) make it worth it in full.

7.75/10 - An improvement over the first.

Valhalla Rising

One might be tempted to put this film on a list of movies that are not nearly as popular as they should be. Valhalla Rising is an ethereal tale of 11th century superstition and barbarism. It's not a film that is heavy on plot so much as it is atmosphere and visual quality and only few sparse lines of dialogue accompany it.

The film plays out in six distinct parts so attempting to coherently explain "what it's about" is easier said than done. Truly the only way to do so would be to summarize it completely and I have no desire to ruin the movie for anyone. The reason it is so difficult to talk about is because Valhalla Rising isn't really "about" anything. It follows a nameless, mute, Norse warrior who's blind in one eye and is being held captive by people unknown for reasons unknown. Here, he is tied to a stake and pitted against other prisoners in unarmed fights to the death.

The Norse prisoner, who is occasionally referred to by other characters as One-Eye is played by Mads Mikkelsen whom you may recognize as the main antagonist of 007 Casino Royale. Interestingly, Mikkelsen was blind in the very same eye in that film as well.

"One-Eye" delivers the finishing blow to a fellow prisoner.

It isn't long before "One-Eye" is able to escape his captors thanks to a vision he had that led him to discovering an arrowhead on the bottom of a river. Soon after his escape, he runs into a band of Christian Crusaders, standing over a fresh pile of corpses and on their way to Jerusalem. They ask One-Eye to join them in their quest and he complacently goes along.

I love that this film doesn't bother itself with anything it finds unnecessary. It gives you the bare minimum and lets the viewer sort everything out. We don't need a backstory on One-Eye and we don't need every mythological detail spelled out for us. The mystification of the film says more than words ever could.

Every single second of the 90 minute run-time of Valhalla Rising is beautiful. Shot entirely in the haunting mountains of Scotland, the film looks incredibly authentic and earthy which works wonders to illustrate the age of the Crusades and efficaciously defines the Norse theme. It's just one more example that the real thing is infinitely more effective than CG.

It's gritty, realistic and above all sparse employment of violence goes even further to set Valhalla Rising apart from your run-of-the-mill film. When violence happens, it happens and the movie doesn't linger or relish in it.

Valhalla Rising is a unique masterpiece of beautiful brutality. Of myth and war and religion. It slips between the real and the ethereal flawlessly and dramatically. This is exactly the way I would make a film if I were in the director's chair. It's very hard to talk about and must be seen to be understood. So see it.

10/10 - Perfection.

Upcoming: Godzilla (Teaser Trailer)

It's been since June since I've done an update for the upcoming 2014 Godzilla reboot. I'm posting this one in commemoration of the recently released official teaser trailer. Take a look.

I think this looks pretty promising. I very much like how they're keeping Godzilla's appearance more or less a secret and it seems that the approach they're going for is fairly minimalist. I mean, sure, it's still a damn Godzilla movie, but the few explosions I saw weren't CG and I didn't catch any overly intense gun-fights or something of the sort. Also, the general lack of music and sound is a key point to this end.
Also, something to note, this may just be turning into my dream film as it seems that Gareth Edwards, the director, is passionate about visual quality. All of those long, sustained shots of the gray skies and citywide carnage as the plumes of red flare-smoke descend into it. The way the dust and rubble tumbles across Godzilla's body as he rears his head to be caught in the sun's back-lighting. I think it's safe to say that this film will be a great visual treat.

Hopefully we won't be getting that cop-out of an ending as we did in '98 where the military force is able to stamp out the Godzilla menace. Whereas in literally every other Godzilla movie ever, the military can barely hold a candle to Godzilla, if you've ever seen the '98 American version, you know he was killed by jet-fire. I think that happening again would be unlikely, but I'm not holding my breath.

And y'know what? I'm not at all surprised that Godzilla is completely CG, matter of fact, from the couple of glimpses we get of him, I think he looks fucking awesome. It's an updated version of him, which is fine because his looks are changed every couple of years, but it doesn't look wholly un-Godzilla like the '98 Godzilla did, who was actually acknowledged and renamed "Zilla" in the Japanese series. Matter of fact, Gareth Edwards stressed that it was important that this Godzilla felt like the Toho Godzilla.

This is the clearest shot we get of him.

As far as the other monster goes, not much is known. However, it's rumored that the foe will look something like this:

I've never seen that thing before so there may actually be a decent chance that the enemies featured in this one will be totally new. That may or may not be good news to you (Ghidorah's out of the running) but hell, at least it's something.

Godzilla has a release date set for May, 16th, 2014 so clear up your fucking calendar in advance because this looks promising.

Keep checking the Aculeus and I'll keep you guys updated with whatever comes my way.

Top 10 Reasons To Hate Grindcore

When I wrote my article titled Unquantifiable, I talked about how music is not something that can be graded but rather something that varies from person to person; that it's an entirely taste-based thing. That being said, I also jokingly remarked that this doesn't change the fact that if you listen to grindcore, you're still a fucking idiot. I wanted to elaborate on what I was talking about when I said that. Grindcore is a genre of metal that utilizes guttural growling, pig squealing, overdriven basses and so much guitar distortion that it becomes almost unrecognizable as an instrument. Here's a prominent grindcore band for reference.

Since I didn't want to make a whole long rant about this, I'll make it easy. Here's top 10 reasons to hate grindcore.

10. Embarrassing Band Names

"Oh, what sort of bands are you into?"

"These days I'm really digging Anal Cunt, Sperm Swamp, Meat Shits and Cock and Ball Torture."

Grindcore is a genre that is built upon shock-value and attention-seeking. Thus, most bands give themselves repulsive titles that you can't even discuss in public without sounding like a necrophiliac. It's one thing to have a name that's edgy and badass sounding like Darkthrone or Beneath the Massacre but grindcore takes it to a whole new level of stupidity.

9. Disgusting Lyrics

I know I'm starting to sound more and more like a mother who's kid listens to metal but seriously the lyrics of the typical grindcore band ranges from outright disposition towards everything to the point of absurdity, to graphic descriptions of gore, to something that sounds like it was written by a dirty minded sixth grader who just learned what sex is.

For example:

Randomly Raped Rectum by Lividity:

Now, I apologize because that's downright abhorrent but it's only the icing on the cake that is grindcore lyrics. If you're curious enough, you can go searching for yourself.

The thing that most bothers me about this is not that it's just gross and stupid but that most metal lyrics are about deep topics ranging from human nature, to life and death, to debating religion and other times just being about mythology or the natural world around us. Grindcore is an absolute joke by comparison.

8. Gross-Out Artwork

I'm not going to post any pictures of the sort of shit that grindcore bands like to use for their album covers because not only is it way beyond NSFW, I hate looking at it and I don't want to search for it. Once again, if you're curious enough, go looking for yourself but I warn you, it's nasty shit.

Who would want to have that sort of garbage in their music library or have it staring at them whenever it shuffles up on their MP3 player? Furthermore, the artwork shown on the covers of these albums prevents them from being able to be sold anywhere that has any kind of standards. Knowing that almost makes it seem that these bands are begging to have their shit pirated.

It's commonplace for death meal bands to put all sorts of gore on their album covers, but even there it's fucking annoying.

7. Void Fanbase

Good God, there's nothing worse than an avid grindcore fan. If you thought typical metalheads were bad, you have no idea. Go check out some grindcore forums or read the comments underneath a grindcore video on Youtube.

The fans are the kind of person who is enthralled by this sort of edgy-goad that these bands are intentionally appealing towards. They listen to grindcore purely to "like" something that no one else can stand and to seem badass. They are not badass. They are annoying.

6. Poser Artists

And while we're on the subject of posing, let's take a look at the artists themselves. These guys sing about killing random people, hating everything, rape, burning shit and just general deviance. So who are these mentally unstable, and seriously dangerous individuals? Let's take a look.

Here's a picture of Goat Eater trying to look as badass as possible.

Look out! He's gonna get you!

Not convinced these characters are true threats everyone around them? Take a look at Brutal Dissection.

Oh fuck! Leather jackets!

So basically, they're those weird kids who sat at the table in the corner when you were in high-school. I'm not saying that I'm disappointed that they're not murdering and raping everyone who crosses them, I'm saying they should practice what they fucking preach. Black metal bands talk about burning churches and sacrificing animals but the artists actually do that shit.
Oh, and by the way, if you were thinking that I'm being unfair and that black metal bands are likely the same thing, here's Gorgoroth.

5. Those Vocals

The vocals of that music you heard above was probably the most standout thing to you. I shouldn't even have to say anything about it because it's the bloody elephant in the room. It's growly, pig-squealing to the point of almost being funny. I cannot imagine seriously listening to that shit all the time.

4. Kettle Drums

Why is it that every fucking grindcore band in existence has to have kettle drums? If you don't know what kettle drums are, listen to that song above again. Or if you want another example, try this and pay attention to the drumming.

It's just a kind of drum that happens to sound like popcorn on cocaine. Once you notice that it's there, it's so blisteringly annoying that you'll never be able to focus on anything else. Why can't they just use, oh I don't know, normal drums? Like everyone else?

3. No Variety

As long as I'm talking about things that every grind band does, I may as well just address the overall lack of variety in general. In any other sect of metal, you'd be looking at dozens of sub-genres within those encompassing titles. In black metal alone, you have Raw Black Metal, Folk Metal, Ambient Black Metal, Avant-Garde Black Metal, Post-Black Metal, Atmospheric Black Metal, Industrial Black Metal, Viking Metal, Experimental Black Metal, Depressive Black Metal, Symphonic Black Metal, Melodic Black Metal and that's only scratching the surface.

When it comes to grind you've got, Grindcore (pure), Deathgrind (a combination of death and grind elements), Pornogrind (grindcore with lyrics about porn), Cybergrind (I honestly have no idea what that is) and Noisegrind (basically just noise). That is literally everything I found after searching dark grind forums.

2. No Respect Among The Metal Community

There's a reason that you'd have to look into strictly grindcore forums to find anything about grindcore. As far as the metal community is concerned, grindcore is not even considered metal. I am dead serious. If you've ever wanted to be laughed out of a metal thread, start talking about how much you love grind.

You will get shit on harder than a Torsofuk dream.

1. It Gives The Rest Of Us A Shitty Reputation

As much as almost every strongly held conception of metal and the metal community is largely false, people still consider it to be a kind of music dominated by freaks, killers and brain-dead headbangers. While bands like Cannibal Corpse have done nothing but reinforce that from day one, there's nothing that's holding that up to the extent that grindcore is.

With all of that absurd banging on kettle drums, extreme distortion, growls that are so guttural it's laughable, lyrics about gore and porn and names that are gross just to say, grindcore is almost a parody of the metal genre. If it were just that, a satyrical look at our community, not to be taken seriously (like the Weird-Al Yankovic of metal), that'd be fine with me. Unfortunately, that's not the case and people actually do take this music seriously.

Given all of that, it's no wonder metal is hated by everyone outside of it. You have to dig around all of that garbage to discover the poetic nature that encompasses the bulk of metal. So thank you cordially, grindcore, for not just making yourselves look like perverted teenagers going through a phase, but for making all of us look like that too.