Terrorvision

It's Halloween and I haven't been doing nearly enough horror related articles, so y'know what? Here's an obscure one for you.

Terrorvision is the film that future generations will use as the sole basis of judgement of the decade known as the 80's. Every inch of the film screams it with a fucking megaphone. You have your egregiously cliche adolescent stereotypes such as the fashion explosion of a teenage girl and her "metal" head boyfriend, and the younger boy who's into monsters and horror movies. These are our three protagonists that accompany us through this quirkiness. Alongside them are the two BDSM/sex obsessed parents who look goofier than they sound and the over-passionate veteran grandfather who brazenly brandishes his many medals across his chest for all to see.

However the over-animated cast of this film is merely the icing on the cake. The plot begins when the irate father is struggling with their satellite dish, trying to gain free access to the pay-per-view channels while the unhelpful repairman stands idly by. It isn't long before malfunctions occur and the satellite inadvertently intercepts the broken up particles of that horrific abortion of a movie monster that you see below. He vaguely reminds of the singing poo guy from Conker's Bad Fur Day but whatever, this predated that by multiple years regardless and, in all honesty, I've never seen movie monster quite like this guy. He's hilarious looking and I love the way he's always got a weird crooked smile.

So apparently, this sort of creature is kept as a pet from an alien planet however from time to time, the bastards mutate into whatever that thing is. Whenever that happens, the aliens callously fire the poo monster's molecules off into space and apparently this comes at the cost of a very, very slight chance of those molecules getting transmitted through human television sets causing them to reassemble within our unsuspecting living rooms.
So the whole plot centers around trying to deal with this grinning pile of fuck. After it gluttonously gorges itself on the parents and the couple they invited over to get freaky with, it's up to the kids to figure out what the hell to do with it. They try calling the generously endowed, horror-host, Medusa but she ends up being no help at all as she unmindfully dismisses their pleads for help with a scoff.

Good God.

So they take it upon themselves to try and house-train the thing. It happens to be quite accustomed to liquifying it's victims and then slurping up their goop. They try to feed it people food and lay out all sorts of processed goods in a pile atop a table but it's to no avail as the monster throws a fit and tosses everything aside. They try teaching it to talk but all he manages to do is sneeze all over them.
I neglected to mention that all the while, the characters have been going about ignorant of the alien broadcasting across their television screens who is desperately trying to warn them all about the monster. He instructs them to turn off all of their TV sets for at least 200 years but naturally everyone says, "yeah, fuck that," and they go right on TV watching regardless. Eventually the alien himself transports himself through the TV and into the living room in order to put to rest what he refers to as an inconvenience and humorously notes that he "might lose his job over this." The alien looks hilariously cliche and is something straight out of a 50's b-movie. He totes a comic-looking laser gun and wears a goofy fishbowl helmet that reminds me of the Robot Monster from the movie Robot Monster.

And speaking of Robot Monster, there's a clip in this very movie where the characters are watching Robot Monster. That's pretty funny to me but it's far from being the only classic horror film that can be seen on the television screen. In one scene they're watching 1000000 B.C. and in another scene they're watching The Giant (fucking) Claw. The portion of the movie spent watching the television is generous but it's a fun touch and I like trying to guess at what's on the screen.
But anyway, simply out of her own random interest, Medusa decides to show up at their house only to find a lot of strange goo and a big mess everywhere. She presumably arrives at the conclusion that what the boy was telling her over the phone might actually be real. So who could blame her for taking matters into her own hands when she sees this otherworldly extraterrestrial waving around a futuristic weapon? She promptly puts a hefty crack across his dome the alien's head pulls a Prometheus and explodes all over the inside of his helmet.
The setting of the house is so bizarre just in of itself. There's strange, artful porn all over the walls, roman statues and the color schemes and layout seem to make no logical sense whatsoever. It's all around just such an odd movie. One of the things I think is really strange is the backyard set. Past what looks like a small jungle of ferns and other various plants is, well... nothing. It's just an infinite blue void; no hills, no roads, houses or anything.
And y'know what, this needs to be said but I can't find a place for it in the review. There's a random moment where Medusa is talking and the camera just zooms in on her cleavage until it fills up the whole screen (didn't take much zooming). I don't know what that's about.

But for all of the frames of this movie I could show you, or all the random bits and details I could pick out, I couldn't ever do it any justice. It's something that needs to be seen to really be believed. I can't describe to you how the poo pile moves around and kills people but it's a delight to behold. I actually would recommend this movie because it's just good ol' cheesy stuff and it's quite funny in it's own right. I found my self laughing aloud more times than I could count while watching it. If you want something funny, quirky, self-aware and kinda out-there, Terrorvision is the film for you.

7.5/10 - Funny and different.

Gravity

Gravity is a film that is every bit as breathtaking as it sounds. It begins with a brief but effective pre-title sequence where a few sentences display upon the screen that say something to the effect of, "In Space, temperature fluctuates from x to y. There is no sound, no pressure, no air. It is completely uninhabitable." It's a great way to start a movie and it instills in us a sense of foreboding.

This film prides itself on it's incredibly long, continuous shots. It's impressive to be able to do something like that, and the camera moves all around from each spacewalking character in order to keep the audience from getting bored.

This of course would impossible as we're too busy feasting our eyes on the phenomenal cinematography. For movie-goers who enjoy a heavy emphasis on visual quality, Gravity is the pièce de résistance. Every single second of this film is jaw-droppingly gorgeous. From the massive still shots of the rotating earth, to the exquisite detail of the spaceship interior, every inch of Gravity is a sight to behold. Seriously, it can't even be emphasized it enough, visually, Gravity is easily one of the best-looking and most beautiful films in existence.

The cinematography is beyond impressive. The camera flawlessly glides about the set and it turns and rotates unpredictably which, at times, is a sickening effect but it effectively captures the sensation of zero gravity.

As far as the plot goes, it's very simple. George Clooney plays an experienced astronaut who's carrying out his last mission before retirement, while Sandra Bullock is just the opposite, a doctor on her very first job in space. It isn't long before Houston detects a deadly barrage of satellite debris heading straight for them. Their evasive measures fail catastrophically and the station they're inhabiting is severely damaged. The only survivors are George and Sandra and they now find themselves stranded 30,000 kilometers above the earth.

One of the things that make this film such an ethereal experience is that it's shaped with minimalism in mind. This is clearly discernible from the poster which depicts a tiny astronaut floating in an endless black void and even the short one word title. While Gravity certainly takes no moment for granted, it manages to maintain that style. There aren't many actors and there isn't always a lot going on during every moment. The movie is also full of distant shots that dwarf the actors against the brilliant horizon.

It seemed that throughout the film, the air would be sucked right out of the theatre as every audience member found themselves holding their breath. As the actors scramble to grab onto any nearby object to save themselves from soaring out into deep space, or as they desperately figure out how to navigate the skies, we as an audience feel like we're right there with them and it's downright, edge-of-your-seat thrilling.

But Gravity goes a step further and goes for a more emotional touch. We slowly learn about the characters little by little and Sandra tells a pretty heart-wrenching story about her daughter who passed away not very long prior. What it ultimately comes down to is finding the will to live.

Unfortunately, Gravity has received much backlash from audiences who choose to pick it apart and point out every minor scientific inaccuracy. It's very infuriating that this topic must be addressed yet again and it's simply beating a dead horse by now. Compared to the standard science-fiction film, Gravity seems genuinely real. There wasn't a single moment of outright, brazen unrealism and so Gravity is pardoned. If audacious fiction is distracting to the movie, that's where the line is drawn but in Gravity, this is far from being the case. Try to enjoy a film for what it is.

Gravity is an exhilarating, dazzling, beautiful blast of fresh air. There aren't too many films quite like it. I highly recommend seeing it before it goes out of theatres because seeing there is a wholly different experience.

9.5/10 - Don't miss it.

Law Abiding Citizen

This was another article that I submitted to my class. Sorry about this, guys, but again, I've been really busy with classes and such all month long. I'll try to put more time back into the site soon though. For now, enjoy this.

A thriller is a film that relies mainly on suspense and anticipation to draw in its audience. With all of the attention-grabbing, explosion montages that are dumping out of Tinseltown on what seems to be a daily basis, it’s relieving to watch a film that utilizes genuine plot twisting as it’s primary ingredient. Among every one of those, once in a great while, a film is made that redefines the genre; 2009 saw the release of Law Abiding Citizen, which did just that.

Law Abiding Citizen begins with a very disturbing scene during which the main character, Clyde, who is played by Gerard Butler, loses both his wife and daughter at the hands of two intruders, named Ames and Darby, who seem to have haphazardly selected Clyde’s house for thieving. Both criminals are eventually tried in court where prosecutor, Nick Rice, played by Jamie Foxx, is lacking the necessary hard evidence to secure a solid conviction of both offenders. Rather than put his conviction rate at risk, he strikes up a deal with Darby wherein Darby must plead guilty for crimes that would garner a considerably lesser sentence in exchange for testifying against Ames. As a result, ten years down the road, Ames is on death row while Darby’s sentence is up, despite the fact that Darby was the real killer while Ames merely tagged along. What at first appears to be Clyde’s plot for revenge is soon found to be deceptively simple as it unwinds into small-scale war against the entire American judicial system.

Law Abiding Citizen never tells you who to root for. In the beginning of the film, most audience members assume that Clyde is the good guy. At first he seems as though he may be our heartbroken hero and/or vengeful vigilante when he takes the law into his own hands by arranging the brutally shocking deaths of both Ames and Darby. However, Clyde doesn’t stop there and he carries a personal vendetta against everyone involved with the case, including the system itself and ultimately intends to bring the entire thing down to it’s knees.

What makes this film stand out is it’s remarkable ability to keep the audience guessing. Law Abiding Citizen hardly gives its audience a moment to breathe as it hurtles through it’s complex development. Nothing that Clyde ever does seems to make immediate sense; he’s not a gun-slinging, action star. Rather, he relies on arranging the deaths of his enemies in such a way that he may never even be in the same room as them. He’s a tactician and nothing happens unless he wants it to happen. This further heightens the suspense knowing that death could come at any time for these characters and having to wonder if they’re making intelligent moves or if they’re just playing the part in Clyde’s convoluted game.

The acting in this film, namely that of Gerard Butler, is satisfying to say the least. Butler takes it above and beyond and delivers a performance that’s versatile in of itself. In one scene he’s grieving, heartbroken and pitiful  while in the next he’s intense, dark and sinister. Overall, it’s a great example of incredible acting ability that is just not commonly seen in everyday cinema. The remaining cast is pleasing as well, but no one truly stands out as Butler does.

Classifying this film as a specific genre can be a formidable task. Is it a crime movie? A political thriller? Just a story of revenge? Law Abiding Citizen can accurately be classified as all of the above. Beneath it’s aphotic tale of vengeance lies a deeper message. It asks its audience, what is true justice? It’s nearly parody of our judiciary world as the ones who are meant to uphold the law must learn to break it in order to save lives. It is in this way that Law Abiding Citizen gives the viewer something to chew on even after the credits have stopped scrolling and the silver screen has faded to black.

This is a prime example of an underrated film. Law Abiding Citizen is one of the best thrillers to have been made since The Rear Window and it deserves it’s recognition for that. It’s intelligent, suspenseful, unpredictable and it keeps you on your toes. With all of your run-of-the-mill shoot-em-ups that is Hollywood is gladly using to pollute cinema, with it’s gritty realism and controversial message, Law Abiding Citizen is defined. It doesn’t stop at just “thriller” but rather it is a thriller that is garnished perfectly with drama, intrigue and uniqueness making it a film that no one should miss.

Revisited: The Grey

Hey readers, I formally apologize for not posting any content for the last month. I was involved in an accident which landed me in the hospital and got me stuck in a cast for three and a half months and on top of that, I've been very busy with school and such and I simply haven't had time to write here or even go to the movies.

That being said, here's an article that I wrote for a journalism class that I'm taking. The teacher I submitted it to said that it was one of the best papers he's ever seen from a student so, yeah, enjoy it and please excuse the lack of sarcastic tone, as this was more of a formal review.

There are some films that take the same old, tired formula of movie-making, reskin it and call it a new thing and there are other films which seek to create something new. The Grey is the latter of these types.

The 2011 film, The Grey stars Liam Neeson and is about a small group of survivors trying to stay alive after a plane crash in the dead of Alaskan winter. The handful of men finds their situation to be increasingly dire as they realize that they’re being hunted by a pack of highly intelligent and territorial wolves.

While the rest of the cast is a bit dull, Liam Neeson does a phenomenal job at acting out the film’s emotionally distraught protagonist who is struggling to cope with the (implied) death of his wife. In the very first scene, he attempts suicide but is interrupted and loses his nerve. Over the course of the movie, he acts out some impressively dramatic moments that can be heart wrenching to watch such as in one scene where he fails to rescue a drowning man and the audience can really feel a sense of agony over the situation largely thanks to the convincing acting.

Despite the general blandness of the bulk of the supporting cast, this film does not take death lightly. Whereas in most films, characters are simply picked off and are hardly spared a moment’s remorse from the crowd members, here every death is an emotional undertaking. The Grey forces the audience to feel for every character and one of the ways it does this is through it’s remarkable ability to illustrate a situation in a way where it’s easy to insert yourself into the film.

The best example of this, and what is likely the most poignant scene in the movie, would be during a scene wherein one of the survivors, who has sustained a substantially damaging leg wound, decides that he’s gone far enough and sits down never to move again. The sequence is painted in such a way that it’s easy to put yourself into it. The feeling of sweat and humidity building up underneath your heavy winter coat, the exhaustion burning through your legs. Every step you take you’re trying to convince yourself to only walk but a few more steps, the sense of dread as the gap between you and your party-members becomes wider and wider. This scene goes on for several minutes before they arrive at the conclusion to leave the man to die as per his own request. The tragic process of simply losing the will to live is captured amazingly well during this sequence right down to a final lingering shot of this man just sitting there, waiting for death. It lets the audience fully grasp the impact of what’s just occurred, reminds them that this is not a fairy tale where everyone lives happily ever after and it lets the man ponder over whether he made the proper decision.

The film is accented with a fantastic score as well as unique and creative cinematography. What is overall a standout and impressive feat of cinema is belittled by the looming fact that the wolves depicted in the film are unrealistic. Audiences simply cannot buy into this movie due to that one absurd detail. Years of prior study shows that The Grey is anything but an accurate showcasing of wolves in action and for some reason, this is grounds to debunk the film in it’s entirety.

What does that say about modern audiences and the future of cinema? Today’s audiences have lost the ability to suspend their disbelief. The films of today are endlessly nit-picked for even the most trivial of details. Rather than stand back and look at the big picture, or simply allow themselves to forget about reality and enjoy the film, moviegoers today prefer to dissect every individual moment and scan for mistakes, unrealism and other such incidences of non-perfection.

This truly spells doom for the already bleak future of cinema. In a world that is diseased with sequels, remakes, recycled plots, CGI and shameless money grabbing, film must now also contend with audiences unwillingness to simply sit back and appreciate what’s flashing across the silver screen. What is truly an extraordinary display of emotion, drama, grit and tragedy is overridden by morose, over-analytical, acrimony; almost as if audiences watch films only to find it’s mistakes.

The Grey is a beautiful yet horrifying story of life and death. It’s a heartbreaking tale of men who are fully aware of their own impending demise and must struggle to embrace it of their own accord. Despite that many criticize it’s unrealism, one would be hard-pressed to find a film where death and hopelessness feel more real. With all of the movies out there, where faceless actors are killed off and thrown aside without so much as a flinch, The Grey stands out.

The Wolverine

I didn't have great expectations for The Wolverine. I kind of lost faith in the superhero franchises because every Marvel film that came out was a disappointment to me and after The Avengers, I decided to stop caring. This film takes the gruff mutant, Wolverine into the ninja-ridden land of Japan. I suppose that's not too bad a concept and, being that Japan is far away from the US, it works to separate Wolverine from the X-Men and give him his own movie.

The film starts right off with a middle finger and gives the audience some Inception bullshit as Logan wakes up from a nightmare in which he is present in Nagasaki during the nuclear bombing raid. He sits up in a bedroom with Jean Grey, the woman he himself murdered and is still madly in love with. Soon thereafter he wakes up again, this time for real to his humble abode (aka, makeshift cot) out in the middle of the Yukon wilderness.

Logan has gone full Into the Wild on everyone. He's dropped off the grid and grown a very rugged looking beard. Due to that, there are no appearances of any of the other X-Men at all. Instead what we get is a bunch of cliche martial-artists and ninjas.

The best way I can sum this movie up is, a ninja/samurai film with Wolverine. I felt like the only reason Wolverine was even in it was because the movie is called Wolverine. Seriously, you could probably go through the script of this movie, change Wolverine into any old guy and it would work perfectly.
The plot is a complicated, convoluted mess that's difficult to follow on a first viewing. There's no strong antagonist villain, the bad guys keep getting killed only to be replaced a few minutes later by some other bad guy. It makes me wonder why they even included characters like the evil lizard-mutant lady at all; the only things she really does in the film involve spitting acid on people, shedding her skin or dying.

Aside from all of that, I will grant that the film had some good action. There's a fight on top of a high-speed bullet train which was one of the highlights. Normally in train fights, the opponents stand and face each other as the wind and occasional overhanging object nonchalantly whizzes past them but in The Wolverine, the train goes so fucking fast that Logan and the henchmen he's battling can't even stand and the whole time they're just grabbing on for dear life. It's a great scene. I also liked one particular scene where Logan goes one on one with a samurai. It ends with the predictable, "What are you?" "...I'm the Wolverine." bit of dialogue, but it works.
All in all, I'm not really sure why this film was even made. I can't imagine that it's making all kinds of money and for the story aspect, it doesn't really change anything. Wolverine is still a depressed loner with post-traumatic-stress and the only difference made at the end of the film is that he suddenly decides to lets go of Jean Grey and move on. Big whoop. I don't really think we needed an entire two-hour sci-fi- ninja jamboree to get that plot point solved and how that resolution came out of that mess, I have no idea. It seems all too obvious that this film exists for no other reason than for just some action.

And artwork of Hugh Jackman screaming in the presence of samurai swords.

Most of the actual story development takes place after the credits where they always stick that apparently mandatory hook for the next film, during which Logan runs into a fully powered Magneto and a totally not dead Professor X at a crowded airport and they say some bullshit about how they need him or something, I can't remember. If the X-Men are getting back together, why didn't they just save Logan's "character-arc" for that movie and kill two birds with one stone?
My point is, sure it's an alright flick for what it is but, much like the rest of the plethora of superhero films surging out of Hollywood these days, it left something to be desired and, in this case, felt like a waste of time.

4/10 - Nice action, weak story.

Shark Week: Sharknado

It's real, motherfuckers.

It was only just last month that, for the price of a total loss of all credibility once and for all, Syfy bequeathed unto the world the masterpiece that is Sharknado. Sharknado is the Citizen Kane of bad movies. This made-for-TV film effectively preys on one of our deepest held fears and loathings: a shark tornado. Inclement weather that is so intense, that it cannot be scientifically explained beyond simply, "global warming". This gargantuan whirlwind of pure terror sucks up millions of sharks of all varieties and sends them careening across civilized land for miles, raining snarling, toothy death upon the hapless humanoids who are unfortunate enough to be standing anywhere within a ten mile radius of it. Indoors, on hilltops, in helicopters; there's nowhere that is safe from the horror.

Rumor has it the government is starting a new project for weaponizing Sharknados.

This is not some highly elaborate phantasm of your convoluted subconsciousness, this is Sharknado and it aired on public television Thursday, June 11th, 2013, where it quickly became the second most tweeted televised event in all of Twitter history (i.e. about seven years). The movie is pretty much as straight-forward as it appears. A giant tornado sucks up a bunch of pissed-off, blood-thirsty sharks and all hell breaks loose in the city of Los Angeles. Now, so far on The Aculeus's Shark Week, we've seen sand sharks, snow sharks, Supershark and even a goddamn Sharktopus but good God of all that is holy, Sharknado might just take the all-encompassing, bat-shit madness cake. You haven't lived until you've seen mediocre actors, armed to the teeth with shotguns, chainsaws, bombs and boobs, vying for their very lives against hordes of flying, flesh-hungry fish.

But it really is one of those movies that needs to be seen to be believed. I could talk about every individual scene from sharks swallowing a helicopter co-pilot, to needlessly bitchy ex-wives and their douchebag boyfriends, to setting a pool on fire, to bombing a hurricane in order to stop it, this movie really has it all. The acting as I mentioned above, is definitely sub-par but is actually better than what you'd expect for this kind of movie. Yeah, sure, you can nitpick the nearly emotionless screams and such but it wasn't so bad that it seriously detracted from the rest of the movie and it's certainly better than most of the other films we've seen so far.

What was much worse than the acting, was the writing itself. There's a scene where an attractive female character tells a 'heart-wrenching' story about how she got her scars (she changes the story every time... sound familiar?) which involves a boating trip gone wrong. But this ain't no Robert Shaw in Jaws and she concludes her tale with a line that goes something like, "That's why I hate sharks so much." I'm not sure if it's necessary to throw in some heated emotions towards sharks because what it comes down to is that this movie is comprised mostly of cutting back and forth between stock footage of sharks swimming in the ocean and horrendously CG'd sharks falling from the sky. Oh, and speaking of the CG...

It's so fucking hilariously bad that it's not even worth commenting on. Would you just look at that shot with all of the sharks falling from the sky? That pretty much sums up the entire movie. As I mentioned above, this movie was so fucking popular that it was generating 5,000 tweets per minute at it's peak and had well over 300,000 tweets total and had participation from several celebrities.

As you read this, Syfy is already well underway in their talks about a sequel, which I couldn't be more excited for because out of all of the movies I can think of, all of those unjustly, unresolved plots out there, Sharknado is absolutely the number one in deserving of a followup. What could be next? Is Crocosaurus going to get in on the action? Perhaps the survivors of LA will know that the only way to stop the shark menace is to summon Cthulhu? Maybe this time it will be a super tornado that threatens, not just the west coast but the whole world and humanity as we know it! Whatever the plot could possibly be, I have no idea how they plan to top the original masterpiece.

Sharknado is essentially the newest The Room. So while some people may question the science, or the morals of sensationalizing on a highly sensitive topic such as murderous flying shark-storms, I will sit tight for Sharknado 2 because seeing a grown man dive, chainsaw first into the belly of a shark only one time is simply not enough of an adrenaline rush for me.

This gif sums up the daily struggles of the working-class American.

Shark Week: Sharktopus

I'll admit, it took me awhile to get around to watching this one. There's only so many shark movies an IQ can take before it begins it's decline. This is another one of those movies where the title is pretty self explanatory. The movie wastes no time at all and right in the first minute of the movie, we see Sharktopus killing the fuck out of a pussy, normal great white shark. We are then shown a "high tech" laboratory where they are controlling the beast and they explain that Sharktopus is a top secret weapon designed for the Navy. Now, just think for a moment: if you were asked by the government to design a hyper effective military war machine and given a huge budget to do so, what would your perfectly sane, college educated mind go to?

Well, a fucking remote controlled shark/octopus hybrid of course.
Despite the title of the movie and how catchy the nickname "Sharktopus" is, the monster is rarely referred to as such because the project goes by the uninspiring "S-11". Run in terror.

Whatever the Navy was planning on using this unwieldy bastard for, we'll never know because the very first test they attempt, which was simply to follow a speedboat carrying two innocent, unsuspecting civilians, was a failure. A bump over the head and the collar that controls Sharktopus is knocked loose and that's all it takes to turn it into a reckless killing machine. The first thing it does is send the boat into a rock formation which causes it to explode in a fiery ball of CG.

As hilarious as the first kill is, some of the many other ones are even funnier. Take this one for instance where a hapless bungie jumper is picked off in mid fall:

Or even better, a zip-liner who apparently zoned out Sharktopus murdering everyone at the tropical beach resort he was residing at.

I always knew those things were dangerous.

When you're not watching Sharktopus shred everything in sight, you're plugging your ears lest you be subjected to the abhorrently cast actors in the film, most of whom only existed to die and could've been effectively cut out if need be. The main characters are, for the most part, tolerable but just about every extra is either so over-the-top you'd think you were watching The Wiggles or they're duller than cardboard.

I was actually surprised that I recognized one of the actors. The scientist who created Sharktopus, who sort of takes the role of a bad guy, is played by Eric Roberts, who you may recognize as Salvator Maroni from The Dark Knight. His daughter is like the co-creator or something, but it's weird because not only do the two actors bear no resemblance but they're not even the same race (and no, there's no mention of adoption or anything) and the daughter seems to be hiding an accent of some sort because she occasionally slips in and out of it.

The way the "scientists" go about explaining things is hilarious. They weren't even trying with this one and honestly, as annoying as it was, they made it much more "believable" in Super Shark. Here, it's just utter gibberish that basically means nothing at all. It's like whenever they're asked about it they pull the ol' college know-it-all and completely circumvent the question but try to make it sound like a legitimate answer. It's not like it's even important anyway, it's a fucking shark/octopus that kills people.

So the whole premise of the movie is that the Navy wants it's million dollar project back and they just can't get the damn thing to stop murdering people. Eric Roberts, who's character is named Nathan Sands (yes another sand related name), is trying his darndest to get Sharktopus back unharmed because it's his life's work... God, can you imagine if you live your whole life in scientific pursuits and all you have to show for it was Sharktopus? Anyway, he tells his bounty hunter to use specialized darts to inoculate it so he can haul it in and repair it, I guess. Unfortunately, he only has two of them, so if they miss twice, it's all fucking over. My only question is why not get more darts? Really? Two? This isn't something he built in his backyard, it's a US Navy project. He had the budget to engineer the shark but he didn't have enough to buy more darts which are the only thing standing between success and a complete project shutdown given the highly likely chance that a contingency plan is needed?
Eventually, Nathan Sands dies and the bounty hunter guy, sick of Sharktopus and his shit, takes it upon himself to kill the thing. What I don't understand is that the military was literally standing by just before Sands was killed, Sands just kept refusing to give the order so his precious baby wouldn't be hurt. The Commander actually says,

"If you can't [capture it], I'll send a team in to terminate it. They can be there in an hour, turn that freak of yours into chowder and leave no sign that it ever existed." 

So, if the military has this capability, why didn't the main characters use it? Instead they go after it alone and get about a dozen more people killed along the way.

The thing just goes around impaling people on it's tentacles in all of it's CG splendor. I figure by now it should go without saying that it looks like shit. It's awful. Certainly not as bad as Snow Shark but at least in that movie they had an excuse; it was a damn film festival submission, Sharktopus was made by Syfy (keep it up, by the way). It's hard to really gauge exactly how shitty it really is until you see it in action.

Walking always seems to induce that exaggerated head swinging.

I don't know, it's just such a weird movie. There's a scene where, after searching with a metal detector for all of five seconds, a beach babe digs up a fucking gold doubloon only to have it taken by an old guy after he watched her getting eaten by Sharktopus; The Shark keeps changing sizes, halfway through the movie it randomly goes into that stylish, multi-panel thing from 24 and then never does it again, there's a scene where a girl screams but the actor's mouth doesn't move, characters go from hating each other to being abruptly intimate, the bounty hunter manages to miss the shark from literally five feet away with his fully-automatic machine-gun and there's even a Wilhelm scream thrown in there. Not to mention, some of the dialogue is just really bizarre. Take this one for example:

"He was a nice guy, smelled kinda funky but he was still a nice guy."

Like, what fuck is going on in this film? It may have a lot more action than Super Shark but it's a hell of a lot dumber even considering the random bikini girls, serving no purpose but to be hot that litter that film, a crime which Sharktopus is no less guilty for.

Sharktopus doesn't really come under the "so bad it's good" genre and it's more of the "so bad it's bad" variety and I don't recommend it.