Top 10 Films That Deserve a Cult Following

Cult cinema is an undying tradition that's been relevant to moviegoers pretty much ever since movies. With the first ever cult film debatably dating all the way back to the early 20's, Nosferatu, a lot of film history has happened in between then and now and presently there are dozens upon dozens of such films. What makes a simple movie a cult classic? If you've been reading this blog for any amount of time, you should probably already know this but for those of you just tuning in, a cult film is defined as a movie that acquires a passionate and devoted fanbase that views the film repeatedly, quotes it and participates in content creation and such. But I'm not here to talk about the cult movies that we all know and love, I'm here to talk about the ones that aren't but truly deserve a cult status. Films that should go down in history with a fandom. This is top 10 films that deserve a cult following.

10. Burn After Reading

Most every Ethan and Joel Cohen film attains a cult status at some point, most notable would be The Big Lebowski which is often cited as THE quintessential cult movie. That said, for this list, I decided to only pick one of their films so as not to cheap out (it was tough between this and A Serious Man). The dark comedy, Burn After Reading received mixed critical response from a lot of people who simply didn't get the humor of it. I personally consider it to be one of the funniest movies I've ever seen but I'll admit, it took me more than one watch to really get the movie. It follows five completely different characters that are all portrayed by A list actors, in a story of espionage and intrigue. What it really comes down to is that every character so perfectly influences the others that everyone ends up running around, scared shitless thinking that someone is out to get them when really everyone's just as witless and lost as they and they're all freaking out over nothing. It's a difficult movie to summarize, but it's quotable, stylish comedic genius and definitely shouldn't be missed.

9. The Stuff

The Stuff is an 80's as fuck horror camp-fest about a killer junkfood that's referred to only as The Stuff. It's a pasty white goop that resembles Fluff or whipped cream but apparently it tastes amazing because once a company starts mass-producing it, no one can get enough of The Stuff and it fast becomes the most popular food in America. Unbeknownst to the consumers however is that The Stuff is no mere processed good. It's actually an alien creature that was discovered by mere happenstance and brings to mind the blob. What makes The Stuff so memorable, besides it's 80's to the absolute maximum setting, is it's satyrical commentary on American consumerism. That along with it's catchy theme song, catchphrase and logo is worthy of a minor cult following.

8. 9

9 is a film that I've probably mentioned before. The 2009 film (9/9/09 to be exact) garnered mixed to positive reviews while only barely making back it's budget. Since then it has slipped under the radar and into the realm of obscurity. This is a film that deserves recognition. Some people find the fact that it's animated as off-putting but the film is very dark and serious in tone just the same. With the director of Wanted in the chair, the action is surprisingly, not very fast-paced but no less exciting. But what draws me to 9 is it's uniqueness. The fact is that I've never seen a film quite like it. While not being a highly quotable film, it's cautionary aspect is no less loud here though it's delivered in a way that isn't even close to preachy. Like Burn After Reading, it's just a difficult movie to try and describe and it really just has to be seen.

7. The Fantastic Mr.Fox

This film just has so many things going for it that make it worthy of cult status. For starters, it's directed by Wes Anderson, who pretty much makes cult movies for a living. Second, there's an all star cast with George Clooney, Bill Murray, Meryl Streep and others. Third, it's delightfully animated with stop-motion which, as CGI becomes more and more readily accessible, is truly a dying art in today's day. Next you have an attractive vintage/autumn color palette, a good soundtrack, memorable moments and lines and that's more than enough right there. While still considered a family movie, The Fantastic Mr.Fox is no less delightful to watch as an adult and it's full of enough humor to make you wonder if they were aiming it at the wrong demographic.

6. Coffin Joe

In stark contrast to the previous entry, Coffin Joe is a dark and disturbing Brazilian horror trilogy from the 60's. The three films are titled At Midnight I'll Take Your Soul, This Night I'll Possess Your Corpse and Embodiment of Evil. Not only are these films way fucked up and creepy, they're also pretty weird too. With a trip to Hell that would make Dante cringe, a really rape-y evil plot and seriously haunting monologues, there's enough here to be on par with Eraserhead as far as fuckedness goes. It's quotable, distinct and freaky and it deserves a solid cult status.

5. Terrorvision

Now here's one I've definitely talked about before. Since I've already done a review of this, I'll keep this brief. Terrorvision is a wholly bizarre experience that, like The Stuff, has 80's written all over it. It's funny, campy, weird and a complete stand-out parody all at the same time. There's no way you could forget it after seeing it.

4. Creepshow

This is another one of those movies that I've referenced often. Creepshow is an anthology compilation film and is by far the best of its kind. Generally with these types of movies you get something half-assed like The ABCs of Death or V/H/S. With Creepshow, it couldn't be any better. Stephen King writes the screenplay, George Romero directs and Tom Savini does special effects for all five short films. The film is styled after the comic books from which it's based and it overall has such a campy feel that it's impossible not to enjoy it. Not to mention, Stephen King has a main role in one of the shorts and he acts like a complete slapstick lunatic which is just such an odd thing to see. Just as surprising, this film features Leslie Nielson, of Airplane and The Naked Gun fame, in what was probably his only serious role. I use the word "serious" loosely here because nothing in the movie is serious but it's a scary villainous character that's not jumping around punching terrorists so it's still just a bizarre scene to watch. Creepshow is quotable, stylish, campy and creative and it should have a fanbase.

3. The Wolf of Wall Street

At this point, it's a pretty regular thing for Scorsese films to go down in cinema history. Taxi Driver, Goodfellas, Raging Bull would be only to name a few. With his most recent work, The Wolf of Wall Street which documents the rise and fall of a white collar gangster, I think he really went all out. Matter of fact, everyone went all out in this movie and it's probably the most energetic and zany role that Leonardo DiCaprio has ever had. This film is just off the wall mad and there's always all kinds of shit going on. It's three hours that'll feel like one and a half. More memorable than the quotes of the film are the moments like Jonah Hill eating a live goldfish, or fuck, the candlewax scene. But apart from those, more than anything, this movie is a strong commentary on the gratuitousness of Wall Street and the investors that work there. The entire lifestyle is shown in excruciating detail and it's just too insane to forget.

2. Valhalla Rising

This is another that I've talked about before and I reference often. Valhalla Rising is a visual dream of a film and is incredibly stylish to boot. While sporting a simple but highly intriguing plot, Valhalla Rising is less about the story and more about a strong atmosphere and mood and in this it exceeds way beyond the standard. Considering that there isn't much dialogue at all, it's not a very quotable movie but it's artistic quality, characters and meanings are enough to carry it into a following.

1. Pumpkinhead

This is one I've been meaning to get around to for ages. Pumpkinhead is an 80's horror flick that was actually directed by Stan Winston, he being the Academny Award winning legend behind all of your favorite movie monsters including The Terminator, Alien, Jurassic Park, Predator, Monster Squad and a fuckton of other things. On Pumpkinhead he spared no creativity or expense and the monster looks fucking amazing. I would describe it as kind of like a Xenomorph from Alien combined with a scrotum, which is not at all eloquent but hey, it's accurate. The title is misleading because the monster doesn't have a pumpkin for a head at all and in fact this film has very little to do with pumpkins in general. It's about this guy who's played by Lance Hendrikson, who you may recognize as Bishop from Aliens, who gets an old witch to summon the Pumpkinhead monster so that he can get revenge on the people who are responsible for his son's recent death. Considering Pumpkinhead is like a demon monster type-deal, shit gets out of hand.
At this point in time, there are four installments in the franchise but two of them are made-for-TV and none of the sequels had anything to do with Stan Winston. The first Pumpkinhead is definitely worth seeing and is actually a fairly decent film by horror movie standards, but the others are entertaining as well, namely the second one, Pumkinhead 2: Blood Wings which features some very creative kills including death by chickens. There really needs to be more of these movies, Pumpkinhead should be sitting atop a horror icon throne next to guys like Freddy Krueger and Jason Voorhees. What it comes down to is that it's just an entertaining flick that's so recognizable and memorable if you've seen it. I just wish more people would see it because I want to be able to reference it.

Top 10 Giant Monster Movies That Are Not Godzilla

With the 31st Godzilla film slated for release this coming May and all of the hype that's surrounding it, it can be easy to forget that Godzilla is not the only monster to have stomped through a cityscape, spreading mass hysteria and mayhem. So let's give the king of the monsters a rest and pay homage to some of the other behemoths. The rule is that the attacker has to be giant and the film has to be set, at least partially, within the confines of a populated area. This is Top 10 Giant Monster Movies That Are Not Godzilla.

10. Cloverfield

The film that's partially responsible for popularizing the found-footage genre again, Cloverfield is kind of a take on how the 1998 American Godzilla should've been, e.g. not Godzilla. Not that there's anything wrong with him but if you're going to take a preexisting series and adapt it, you have to do it right or just do something new. Cloverfield is something new. A giant monster movie that manages to be wholly unlike most others, in that, this monster is hardly seen at all, at least not clearly. The posters and trailers were all deliberately elusive to the appearance of the thing, but I doubt that most people expected that the actual film would be too. Not only that but the film is highly stylistic, at least it was for the time, whereas, were it made now it'd be accused of jumping on the found-footage bandwagon. It's got just the right amount of new mixed with just the right amount of old and it works.

9. War of the Gargauntuas

Let's just skip over the incredibly convoluted backstory to this one and just talk about why it's great. First of all, it was made by the one and only Toho, the same film studio that made all of the Godzilla films. This particular one is actually a sequel to the movie Frankenstein vs. Baragon, though it's not necessary to see that for War of the Gargantuas to make sense (and like I said, let's just not get into it). This one is about two giant ape-like monsters who can't agree over whether or not they should be killing people, so they beat the shit out of each other for a good 40 minutes. One of the things that makes this movie so great is that the costumes the actors wear are not nearly as bulky as many of the more elaborate ones from other Toho films, making the actual brawling more intense. It's also interesting to note is that this film has seen a fair amount of references for being the obscure foreign film that it is. One in particular is from the show Scooby Doo: Mystery Incorporated (which is also known as Horror References That Kids Won't Understand), in an episode titled Battle of the Humungonauts, which is essentially just a parody the entire time. However, it's the pretitle sequence that stands out as they perfectly spoof the awful musical segment of the film that features a woman in a yellow dress doing a very poor job at singing the song "Feel In My Heart (The Words Get Stuck In My Throat)". When I caught that reference, I thought I may have been the only person ever to have made the connection.

8. Super 8

I would like to point out that it was completely fucking unintentional that this film ended up in the eighth spot. This one was directed by J.J. Abrams and produced by Steven Spielberg and, all things considered, passed through the theaters without a ton of attention. I think that the best thing this film has going for it, is that it's cliche at the same time as it's completely new. It's set in 1979 and it's style and preteen "gang" brings to mind favorites like The Goonies, which I would guess was a very intentional connection. The only major complaint that I have there is that the CG that is used is off-putting and only serves to remove the viewer from the time when present. It's also a bit like Cloverfield in that the monster isn't actually seen much. Rather it's the likable characters that drive the film from beginning to end and make it fully worth the watch.

7. Reptilicus

Mother. Fucking. Reptilicus. This Danish monster is really only on this list because it's almost the quintessential classic monster flick. This fucking guy is a motherfucking puppet and the film is literally just him fucking shit up. How much more badass can you get than that? None.

6. The Lost World

Based upon the 1912 Arthur Conan Doyle novel of the same name, The Lost World was a landmark of special effects in motion pictures (pulled off by none other than Willis O'Brien) and, being released in 1925, it predates even legendary monster movie pioneers such as King Kong. While much of the film does take place on a mysterious island where dinosaurs roam free, explorers who have only just discovered the place, decide to take one of the beasts, a brontosaurus, back to civilization with them in order to show it off. Not surprisingly, it breaks loose and raises hell all over the city. By today's standards it's nothing unique, but back then, nothing like this picture had ever before been seen. If you can put yourself in the time, this is one to watch.

5. Them!

Okay, so I may be cheating here because Them is a film about multiple giant monsters instead of just one, but this movie is so great that it deserves to be made an exception. Them is as simple as the title, just a flick about radioactive giant ants and the humans who want to get rid of them. But what makes this particular movie stand out against the many other similar-plotted b-movies that Hollywood was making at the time, was that it was paced remarkably well. Generally in these types of movies, any talking just seems like petty filler, but here it's all about the set-up. Sure it's not exactly a scary film, but the anticipation is in waiting for the killer ant action and finding out how the humans plan to quell the insect menace. I promise that this one is worth it.

4. The Blob

Of course when I say The Blob, I'm referring to the original 1958 version, starring the 28 year old Steve Mcqueen as a high-schooler. This film is just so classic that it hardly even needs to be mentioned. With a monster so delightfully simple as just a blob, it's easy to imagine how this movie came to be so iconic. The interesting thing is that the Blob itself actually starts out quite small but before anyone could do anything about it, it's swallowing up entire Diners. Despite being quite cliche and sporting one of, if not, the worst child actors I've ever seen in a film, it's a lighthearted crowd pleaser that is always entertaining.

3. Jurassic Park: The Lost World

Not to be confused with the aforementioned Arthur Conan Doyle film, The Lost World, about a team of scientists who take a dinosaur off of an island where dinosaurs roam free and bring it back to a city where it escapes and wreaks havoc, Michael Crichton's Jurassic Park: The Lost World is a film about a team of scientists who take a dinosaur off of an island where dinosaurs roam free and bring it back to a city where it escapes and wreaks havoc. Although the film has little to do with the superior novel that it cites as it's source material, it's still an enjoyable movie in it's own right and the T-Rex breaking loose in the middle of downtown San Diego is a great scene to this day.

2. King Kong

King Kong needs no introduction. He's the eighth wonder of the world, hauled into New York, New York from the distant Skull Island. The classic tale of beauty and the beast, King Kong is a time tested milestone of cinema that holds up to this day. Not much to say about it that hasn't already been said but if you haven't already see it, I would get on that if I were you.

1. Gamera 2: The Advent of Legion

So what could possibly top the legendary King Kong? Gamera, that's what. Before you get all huffy and start reaching for that keyboard, let me explain. King Kong is indisputably the better film no matter what angle you look at it from and it's the one that will continue to go down in history while Gamera won't. But when it comes to the category of monster films, when I want to see a city get destroyed or have to monsters duke it out with hapless skyscrapers caught in the crossfire, I'll turn to Gamera. The giant, fanged turtle with rocket boosters who beats the living hell out of whomever feels like fucking with Earth. After a series spanning the 60's to the 80's ended, Gamera was resurrected and now he's kicking alien ass and looking more badass than ever while doing it (who would've thought that a turtle could be so badass?). This new trilogy was almost gritty and much more geared to adults in stark contrast to the originals and this particular one is by far the best in my opinion. The plot is pretty straightforward when a hive of bug-like monsters land on earth, how else but, via meteor. What I love about this is that it's not just one big monster that Gamera has to fight but a whole swarm. Of course, the big bad guy rears it's ugly head sooner or later and it does not disappoint. This thing simply cannot be described so you'll just have to watch the movie to get any idea of what it is. With amazing conventional special effects, incredible monster battles, some insane character designs and a human cast that does more than just take up space, this is a monster movie that you'd have to be crazy to miss.

Top 10 Albums of 2013

First of all, welcome to 2014!
It seems like just the other day when I was posting Top 10 Albums of 2012. Alas, another year has passed by and it's been a pretty good one for music so let's get started, shall we?

(Note: The albums here can be clicked on to be viewed in higher resolution.)

10. Shpongle - Museum of Consciousness

When it comes to anomalous trippiness, there are few artists who do it better than Shpongle. I would still consider the debut album, Are You Shpongled?, to be his undisputed best work, but Museum of Consciousness may just be the greatest since. This album is markedly brighter and smoother than most of Shpongle's previous works and it has more of a flow to it. This sound is created in part by the heavy implementation of flutes and other woodwind instruments and it makes this whole album very soothing in nature. While the usual gibberish vocals are commonplace here, there is plenty of clearly worded english as well, which is a bit unusual for Shpongle, but it works, just like everything else.

9. October Falls - The Plague of a Coming Age

The Opeth inspired ambient/folk/dark metal band, October Falls released their fourth studio album this year and it doesn't disappoint. Labeling this album as one specific genre would be difficult as it's mood is all over the place. It goes from folk to doom to progressive to black all in 51 beautifully ambient minutes. The usage of clean vocals are reminiscent of mid-period Katatonia while acoustic interludes bring to mind influential bands like Agalloch. The greater number of tracks in this release compared to their other works allow the band more experimentation with dynamics and tempo and it's just another thing that makes The Plague of a Coming Age unique and varied.

8. 8 - Uneven Structure

No, I'm not giving this album the number eight spot just so I can say eight is 8 (the eighth song is titled 8 and it's eight minutes so I can already say eight on 8 is 8 for eight minutes). Uneven Structure has such a strong progressive feel to it and 8, despite being a 25 minute EP, is an amazing work of djent that's deserved of much more recognition than it's currently getting. The Meshuggah inspired group is full of distorted screams and blends polyrhythmic-passages and low bass tunings with heavy layerings and ambience and the result is something you just have to sit back and listen to. 8 is a work that flows from beginning to end and if heard all at once, it can be difficult to guess where each song ends and the next begins. Well worth 25 minutes of your time.

7. In Vain - Ænigma

Norwegian, progressive death/black metal, sextuplet, In Vain released their third full-length album titled Ænigma this year. Equal parts melodic, abrasion and atmosphere; incredibly and surprisingly catchy hooks, brutal riffing and impressively tight tremolos are all amazing features of this work but they are not what make it a standout gem. Rather, the varied vocal working which transitions from core-inspired guttural growls, screams and shrieks that borrow from black metal, hauntingly beautiful clean vocal segments and musically complex more energetic singing and shouts make for an experience that can't help but captivate. The lyrical themes of war, inner-struggles for meaning, loss and questioning the future of humanity only make for an even darker ambience that gives me chills every time I hit replay.

6. Ulver - Messe I.X - VI.X

Experimental is a broad genre that the tenth studio album by Ulver, Messe, could be found under. I'm not sure there are too many albums that quite capture dark and mournful ethereality as Ulver does with this masterpiece. While Ulver is well known for their start in the black metal genre with legendary albums such as Bergtatt still holding a formidable title within the metal community, they have long since strayed from traditional music forms and Messe I.X-VI.X is an elaborately eerie work. With almost no vocals to speak of, all of them clean, Ulver has pulled a serious 180 since their days as black metal in the early and mid 90's. Messe is an atmospheric landscape that simply takes you somewhere else when you're listening to it. As one EM reviewer put it,

"This album is a great example (even for today's cynical and over-experienced standards) of contemporary academic music mixed with the very edges of the Ulver brand, post-industrial ambient."

It's a haunting work that I've found myself playing over and over again. It is stripped of rock and metal elements and remains only the bare and chilling soul. A modern classical masterwork.

5. Aborym - Dirty

Yet another album that I repeatedly find myself replaying over and over again, Dirty by industrial-black metalists, Aborym is just as the title says, quite dirty indeed. It's music that has been referred to as "jaundiced" but in a positive way. It's a sticky and thick sounding work that is plagued with rampant distortions and moments that almost sound like glitches. It's far from anything beautiful, rather it has a filthy luster to it that is sprawling and enticing to the ear. It may not be as unrelenting as some other harder black metal influences, but it's still a great album to play at full blast and it's catchiness makes up for that completely.

4. Deafheaven - Sunbather

Before you accuse me of jumping on the Deafheaven bandwagon, hear me out. Sunbather is probably one of, if not, the first and only black metal album to receive resounding acclaim and to almost be regarded as something close to popular. It has made it's way into to all sorts of praising including NPR's top 50 albums of 2013 (a remarkably unbiased list that's worth checking out, by the way) and rightfully so. Deafheaven have gone beyond the confines of stigma and genre to create a sound that is wholly theirs. It combines traditional and post-black metal elements with contemporary rock sounds and bright, romantic acoustics, interludes and choral progressions. The vocals are screeched and sound authentic and pure and what has generally been regarded as an aberrant and contrast works amazingly well in Sunbather. Deafheaven may very well have created an entirely new genre with this release, time will tell if it can garner a following.

3. Apocynthion - Sidereus Nuncius

For the atmospheric connoisseurs, Sidereus Nuncius is about as airy and ethereal as it gets. Drawing inspiration from other masters of the genre and even naming the group after a track by artist, Nhor, of the same name, Apocynthion is a dramatic post-black metal and post-rock fusion that while maintaining a strongly atmospheric tone manages to sound wholly raw when the metal actually kicks in. I've played this album probably more than a dozen times and I still feel as though there are pieces and meanings buried beneath it that I have yet to uncover. With a low production value, it's amazing that this album sounds as good as it does and if Apocynthion are ever picked up (and I do hope that they are) they could be putting out some seriously game-changing works that appeals to more than just the metal crowd but also branches out to the rock groupies as well. A great album that sounds like the music of nebulae in deep space and has a strongly off-earth feel to it.

2. Thrawsunblat - Wanderer on the Continent of Saplings

In stark contrast to the spacey, anything-but-here vibe that comes from Sidereus Nuncius, Thrawsunblat has a predominantly folk/black metal sound and is about as earthy as it gets. This as-of-yet unsigned Canadian trio has folk down pat but also manages to remain effectively melodic in nature. With songs such as Once Fireveined fleshing out the band's variability and utilizing both screams and clean vocals reminiscent of bands like Windir; others such as Maritime Shores that showcase the band's affluence with true, unbridled folk music, serving as a great break from the heavier material and also managing to be distinguished and not simply filler; and finally to heavier tracks like Borea that are unrelenting and almost thrashy; Thrawsunblat sounds very authentic and undistorted which perfectly accentuates the natural focus of the album. A captivating work and one of my favorite folk metal pieces.

1. Nhor - Within the Darkness Between the Starlight

In all of my purest honesty, my words cannot effectively describe this masterpiece of an album. It is dark and emotional, eerie and atmospheric, earthy and ethereal. This one man project, who is referred to only as Nhor, is as beautifully vibrant as it is devastatingly mournful. It seamlessly flows from soft, sorrowful scintillating piano pieces into anguished and echoed black metal passages. It's a patient work but requires your full attention the entire time. It's a very unpredictable album that's shrouded in a somber haze and the music feels distant as if it were a memory.
Tracks like the title song, along with it's intro piece, are intensely melancholy; their slow pace allowing for introspection and imagery to work their ways into the mind. After having listened to the intro track, A Forest Draped In Moonlight, hearing next song kick in with Nhor's reverberating screams is among the most chilling experiences I've ever had with metal. The following tracks are just as essential and the album keeps pace with itself, never losing that darkened tone or rushing itself. Piano interludes abound, the longest being on The Temple of Growth And Glimmer Ascends. Never do these seem boring or like filler; they set up the melody and give contrasting accent to the harsher parts making them all the more effective. It is in this way that Nhor has the incredible ability to utilize the silence as if it were an instrument of it's own and it's a beautifully somber work because of it.
That's what this work does so masterfully; it paints such vivid images into my mind. When I close my eyes, I can see the pinpricks of light in the velvet black of night, taste the faint bite of winter and feel the longing nostalgic breezes. It's comparable to stepping out of reality and into a dream. I cannot understate this album. From beginning to end, it utterly captivates me and I find myself so deeply enveloped in it's spell that any outside rousing seems jarring to me. There is no point that is any weaker than the last. It's poetry in a non-verbal form.

Honorable Mention

Imperium Dekadenz - Meadows of Nostalgia

October Tide - Tunnel of No Light

Impending Doom - Death Will Reign

Means End - The Didact

Entities - Aether

I would also like to point out that had I made the 2012 list now, it would look a bit different. Most notably Ashen Eidolon by Gallowbraid would be in the top slot as the best album of that year. It's amazing and you should check it out.

Top 10 Reasons To Hate Grindcore

When I wrote my article titled Unquantifiable, I talked about how music is not something that can be graded but rather something that varies from person to person; that it's an entirely taste-based thing. That being said, I also jokingly remarked that this doesn't change the fact that if you listen to grindcore, you're still a fucking idiot. I wanted to elaborate on what I was talking about when I said that. Grindcore is a genre of metal that utilizes guttural growling, pig squealing, overdriven basses and so much guitar distortion that it becomes almost unrecognizable as an instrument. Here's a prominent grindcore band for reference.

Since I didn't want to make a whole long rant about this, I'll make it easy. Here's top 10 reasons to hate grindcore.

10. Embarrassing Band Names

"Oh, what sort of bands are you into?"

"These days I'm really digging Anal Cunt, Sperm Swamp, Meat Shits and Cock and Ball Torture."

Grindcore is a genre that is built upon shock-value and attention-seeking. Thus, most bands give themselves repulsive titles that you can't even discuss in public without sounding like a necrophiliac. It's one thing to have a name that's edgy and badass sounding like Darkthrone or Beneath the Massacre but grindcore takes it to a whole new level of stupidity.

9. Disgusting Lyrics

I know I'm starting to sound more and more like a mother who's kid listens to metal but seriously the lyrics of the typical grindcore band ranges from outright disposition towards everything to the point of absurdity, to graphic descriptions of gore, to something that sounds like it was written by a dirty minded sixth grader who just learned what sex is.

For example:

Randomly Raped Rectum by Lividity:

Now, I apologize because that's downright abhorrent but it's only the icing on the cake that is grindcore lyrics. If you're curious enough, you can go searching for yourself.

The thing that most bothers me about this is not that it's just gross and stupid but that most metal lyrics are about deep topics ranging from human nature, to life and death, to debating religion and other times just being about mythology or the natural world around us. Grindcore is an absolute joke by comparison.

8. Gross-Out Artwork

I'm not going to post any pictures of the sort of shit that grindcore bands like to use for their album covers because not only is it way beyond NSFW, I hate looking at it and I don't want to search for it. Once again, if you're curious enough, go looking for yourself but I warn you, it's nasty shit.

Who would want to have that sort of garbage in their music library or have it staring at them whenever it shuffles up on their MP3 player? Furthermore, the artwork shown on the covers of these albums prevents them from being able to be sold anywhere that has any kind of standards. Knowing that almost makes it seem that these bands are begging to have their shit pirated.

It's commonplace for death meal bands to put all sorts of gore on their album covers, but even there it's fucking annoying.

7. Void Fanbase

Good God, there's nothing worse than an avid grindcore fan. If you thought typical metalheads were bad, you have no idea. Go check out some grindcore forums or read the comments underneath a grindcore video on Youtube.

The fans are the kind of person who is enthralled by this sort of edgy-goad that these bands are intentionally appealing towards. They listen to grindcore purely to "like" something that no one else can stand and to seem badass. They are not badass. They are annoying.

6. Poser Artists

And while we're on the subject of posing, let's take a look at the artists themselves. These guys sing about killing random people, hating everything, rape, burning shit and just general deviance. So who are these mentally unstable, and seriously dangerous individuals? Let's take a look.

Here's a picture of Goat Eater trying to look as badass as possible.

Look out! He's gonna get you!

Not convinced these characters are true threats everyone around them? Take a look at Brutal Dissection.

Oh fuck! Leather jackets!

So basically, they're those weird kids who sat at the table in the corner when you were in high-school. I'm not saying that I'm disappointed that they're not murdering and raping everyone who crosses them, I'm saying they should practice what they fucking preach. Black metal bands talk about burning churches and sacrificing animals but the artists actually do that shit.
Oh, and by the way, if you were thinking that I'm being unfair and that black metal bands are likely the same thing, here's Gorgoroth.

5. Those Vocals

The vocals of that music you heard above was probably the most standout thing to you. I shouldn't even have to say anything about it because it's the bloody elephant in the room. It's growly, pig-squealing to the point of almost being funny. I cannot imagine seriously listening to that shit all the time.

4. Kettle Drums

Why is it that every fucking grindcore band in existence has to have kettle drums? If you don't know what kettle drums are, listen to that song above again. Or if you want another example, try this and pay attention to the drumming.

It's just a kind of drum that happens to sound like popcorn on cocaine. Once you notice that it's there, it's so blisteringly annoying that you'll never be able to focus on anything else. Why can't they just use, oh I don't know, normal drums? Like everyone else?

3. No Variety

As long as I'm talking about things that every grind band does, I may as well just address the overall lack of variety in general. In any other sect of metal, you'd be looking at dozens of sub-genres within those encompassing titles. In black metal alone, you have Raw Black Metal, Folk Metal, Ambient Black Metal, Avant-Garde Black Metal, Post-Black Metal, Atmospheric Black Metal, Industrial Black Metal, Viking Metal, Experimental Black Metal, Depressive Black Metal, Symphonic Black Metal, Melodic Black Metal and that's only scratching the surface.

When it comes to grind you've got, Grindcore (pure), Deathgrind (a combination of death and grind elements), Pornogrind (grindcore with lyrics about porn), Cybergrind (I honestly have no idea what that is) and Noisegrind (basically just noise). That is literally everything I found after searching dark grind forums.

2. No Respect Among The Metal Community

There's a reason that you'd have to look into strictly grindcore forums to find anything about grindcore. As far as the metal community is concerned, grindcore is not even considered metal. I am dead serious. If you've ever wanted to be laughed out of a metal thread, start talking about how much you love grind.

You will get shit on harder than a Torsofuk dream.

1. It Gives The Rest Of Us A Shitty Reputation

As much as almost every strongly held conception of metal and the metal community is largely false, people still consider it to be a kind of music dominated by freaks, killers and brain-dead headbangers. While bands like Cannibal Corpse have done nothing but reinforce that from day one, there's nothing that's holding that up to the extent that grindcore is.

With all of that absurd banging on kettle drums, extreme distortion, growls that are so guttural it's laughable, lyrics about gore and porn and names that are gross just to say, grindcore is almost a parody of the metal genre. If it were just that, a satyrical look at our community, not to be taken seriously (like the Weird-Al Yankovic of metal), that'd be fine with me. Unfortunately, that's not the case and people actually do take this music seriously.

Given all of that, it's no wonder metal is hated by everyone outside of it. You have to dig around all of that garbage to discover the poetic nature that encompasses the bulk of metal. So thank you cordially, grindcore, for not just making yourselves look like perverted teenagers going through a phase, but for making all of us look like that too.

Top 10 Black Metal Logos

One of the major staples of black metal, the leading paradigm of bad stereotypes and concerned mothers in music, is their flamboyant usage of often illegible artwork that they display as their logo. These artworks generally include the band's name and are often quite impressive and intricate works. Today I'll be counting down my top ten and believe me, it was difficult to choose out of the many runners up.

10. Xasthur

This depressive American one-man-band is known for the usage of topics of suicide, despair and other comforting emotions as musical basis. The name Xasthur is a combonation of the name Xastur and Xenaoth, two spirits from some pagan thing or another. Another fun tidbit, the original band name was going to be Xasthuriath but it was shortened to just Xasthur in 1997. But fuck, that logo, man. It's like an explosion of angst.

9. Anataeus

This one has all kinds of shit going on in it. Look, for instance, to the top of the logo, you should be able to make out a 6-6-6. Anataeus is a classic, straight-up satanist band that is every bit as cliche as you've heard black metal is. That's all fine and dandy for some but the rhetoric is a bit tired and it's good to see the genre taking new strides in the past decade.

8. Wolves In The Throne Room

Good fucking luck reading that one. Every time I think I see the words lining up, they always manage to disappear on me. WITTR is a black metal duo of brothers who've been around since 2004. They fancy themselves with subjects such as mysticism and the natural world which gives them a less angry vibe than a lot of other black metal bands. I like that.

7. Agalloch

Still one of my all-time favorite metal bands, the Oregon band, Agalloch, has been going strong since 1997 and hopefully won't be stopping any time soon. Delivering music that is both calming as well as hellish seems impossible but is pulled off flawlessly by the foursome. I like that the logo looks wooden and gnarled like dead trees.

6. Nhor

And speaking of bands that are just as serene as they are deathy, the one-man-artist, who simply goes by Nhor, is my personal favorite ambient black metal band and is right up there with Agalloch for all-time best black metal. Nhor has all his artwork done by an artist who goes by Sin-Eater. Sin-Eater designs the many monochromatic and bleak as well as beautiful and inspiring works that accompany Nhor's music. It's a great compliment considering Nhor's heavy emphasis on nature within his works.

5. Ayat

This one has clearly crossed the line between trying to make out the words and simply trying to make out any letters at all. The band is called Ayat and yes, if you look hard enough, the letters are all there. This Lebanese, straight-black band pretty much just hates all of humanity. Fun stuff.

4. Aifur

This is one of those bands that obnoxiously refer to themselves as nihilists which is basically a fancy word for atheist. If you're not a theist you're an atheist, you don't have to pretty it all up. Regardless, just look at that fucking logo. The way the roots make up the letters is just awesome.

3. Exiled From Light

Now that is what I call a fucking black metal band. This is complete with a forest of long, gnarled tendrils; dark, silhouetted birds; a callous sliver of a shrouded moon and ominous, stygian shadows. Another lone artist, this guy likes to refer to himself as Mort... He should hang out with Gort, the giant robot cyclops from The Day The Earth Stood Still.

2. Forestfather

Yes. Here we can see the obscure, international, atmospheric/folk metal band, Forestfather, taking the formula from Exiled From Light and perfecting it. While it's true there isn't any crescent moons involved, the way the words form a tree, complete with crows alighting upon it's branches; the way the letters are wispy and include tiny details such as the dozens upon dozens of minuscule branches and twigs reaching off of it... this logo is just beautiful. Bravo.

So what could possibly beat this one?

1. Coldworld

I'm not really sure why, but I really love this one. It's so simple but at the same time, imposing. Coldworld is yet another one-man project that has released two albums since 2006. The logo is minimalist in black metal terms. It's design perfectly compliments the gray, austerity of it's artworks. Truly awesome design, well-done.

Runners up:

Unsurprisingly, there were several bands who didn't quite make the cut, however, I'd like to pay them homage as well.

Korgonthurus

Darkthrone

Addaura

Bosque                                                     Triste

Senthil

October Falls

Woods of Pestilence                                                        Dark Fortress

Austere

Those were just my top favorites. This was a hard list to make because even discluding the logos above, there are dozens of other bands I could've chosen. Did I miss any good ones?