The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug

I gave The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey a fairly disparaging review this time last year. Most notably, I griped over it's excessive usage of CG (in stark contrast to the Lord of the Rings trilogy) and it's goofy, kid-friendliness. Despite this, I maintained an expectation for The Desolation of Smaug, hoping beyond hope that it would be something of an improvement over the first film. Thankfully, it was.

As I said in my previous review, one of the strongest things that this movie has going for it is it's cast. I'm more fond of Bilbo now than I was watching the first one and besides being just as quirky and clever, his character is fleshed out more in this installment. He carries with him the One Ring that he thieved off of Gollum in the first movie and frequently uses it's invisibility. However, this power comes at a price and we see that the Ring's evil is already rubbing off as Bilbo casts the occasional dark stare and becomes intermittently aggressive during combat. It's not a subplot that leads anywhere, but it remains ever ominous.

The rest of the cast is strong as well. One of the most surprising appearences to see in this film was that of Evangeline Lilly of Lost fame who plays a likable Wood Elf named Tauriel. Ian McKellen is as great as always as Gandalf The Grey and the company of dwarves are much more interesting this time around as they too are explored much more and offer more than simply comic-relief.

I found this film to be something of a series of highs and lows. One scene would be invigorating and exciting and the next would be much less so. I'm not simply referring to action scenes versus talking scenes. Talking scenes can be just as interesting if the subject is something of interest. However I found that oftentimes this was not the case. I don't much care of the going ons of a small, malnourished lake-town or a bowman named Bard, no matter how charming his children. I understand that the writers are really reaching for filler, trying to stretch a single book over three films but in the end, filler is filler and I found myself bored more than once in the theatre.

On the other spectrum, the action in this one is worlds better than it was in the first. Gone is the slapstick silliness that encompassed much of An Unexpected Journey. In Smaug, we have action that feels much more like the Lord of the Rings that we all know and love. Heads are sliced from their shoulders, Orcs are impaled by arrows and I actually saw blood in one scene. Don't get me wrong, I'm not just a blood-hound who's in it for gore, but I prefer my Middle Earth to be geared towards adults rather than trying to pander to a broader age-group. It's still not on par with the "realistic" war sequences and gritty sword fights that was just one of the many things that made the original trilogy so exemplary, but it's a start.

My main complaint against this film besides the whole...

Who the fuck decided to shoot this film in forty frames per second that is so fucking annoying and no one liked it the first time so why do it again you stubborn bastards I hope the idiot who came up with that shitty idea fucking burns to death fuck.

Yeah, besides that, would be that nothing anywhere in the film, perhaps save for the wide, mountainous landscape shots, looks real or natural. Even the aged and gnarled tendrils of the Elven woods look remarkably set-like. Everything appears as if it's trying very hard to look old, ancient and intricate without actually being old, ancient or intricate somehow. It's stuck halfway between something out of a storybook and a real landscape and filling the cracks with CG didn't help to make the result any less awkward. Fresh off of Valhalla Rising, the "natural" world of Middle Earth has never looked more artificial to me.

I think that this one is worth the watch much more so than the first. If you watched An Unexpected Journey and liked that, you'll like this. If you didn't like An Unexpected Journey, then you should probably see this anyway because it's an improvement and the final scenes (which I won't spoil) make it worth it in full.

7.75/10 - An improvement over the first.

Valhalla Rising

One might be tempted to put this film on a list of movies that are not nearly as popular as they should be. Valhalla Rising is an ethereal tale of 11th century superstition and barbarism. It's not a film that is heavy on plot so much as it is atmosphere and visual quality and only few sparse lines of dialogue accompany it.

The film plays out in six distinct parts so attempting to coherently explain "what it's about" is easier said than done. Truly the only way to do so would be to summarize it completely and I have no desire to ruin the movie for anyone. The reason it is so difficult to talk about is because Valhalla Rising isn't really "about" anything. It follows a nameless, mute, Norse warrior who's blind in one eye and is being held captive by people unknown for reasons unknown. Here, he is tied to a stake and pitted against other prisoners in unarmed fights to the death.

The Norse prisoner, who is occasionally referred to by other characters as One-Eye is played by Mads Mikkelsen whom you may recognize as the main antagonist of 007 Casino Royale. Interestingly, Mikkelsen was blind in the very same eye in that film as well.

"One-Eye" delivers the finishing blow to a fellow prisoner.

It isn't long before "One-Eye" is able to escape his captors thanks to a vision he had that led him to discovering an arrowhead on the bottom of a river. Soon after his escape, he runs into a band of Christian Crusaders, standing over a fresh pile of corpses and on their way to Jerusalem. They ask One-Eye to join them in their quest and he complacently goes along.

I love that this film doesn't bother itself with anything it finds unnecessary. It gives you the bare minimum and lets the viewer sort everything out. We don't need a backstory on One-Eye and we don't need every mythological detail spelled out for us. The mystification of the film says more than words ever could.

Every single second of the 90 minute run-time of Valhalla Rising is beautiful. Shot entirely in the haunting mountains of Scotland, the film looks incredibly authentic and earthy which works wonders to illustrate the age of the Crusades and efficaciously defines the Norse theme. It's just one more example that the real thing is infinitely more effective than CG.

It's gritty, realistic and above all sparse employment of violence goes even further to set Valhalla Rising apart from your run-of-the-mill film. When violence happens, it happens and the movie doesn't linger or relish in it.

Valhalla Rising is a unique masterpiece of beautiful brutality. Of myth and war and religion. It slips between the real and the ethereal flawlessly and dramatically. This is exactly the way I would make a film if I were in the director's chair. It's very hard to talk about and must be seen to be understood. So see it.

10/10 - Perfection.

Upcoming: Godzilla (Teaser Trailer)

It's been since June since I've done an update for the upcoming 2014 Godzilla reboot. I'm posting this one in commemoration of the recently released official teaser trailer. Take a look.

I think this looks pretty promising. I very much like how they're keeping Godzilla's appearance more or less a secret and it seems that the approach they're going for is fairly minimalist. I mean, sure, it's still a damn Godzilla movie, but the few explosions I saw weren't CG and I didn't catch any overly intense gun-fights or something of the sort. Also, the general lack of music and sound is a key point to this end.
Also, something to note, this may just be turning into my dream film as it seems that Gareth Edwards, the director, is passionate about visual quality. All of those long, sustained shots of the gray skies and citywide carnage as the plumes of red flare-smoke descend into it. The way the dust and rubble tumbles across Godzilla's body as he rears his head to be caught in the sun's back-lighting. I think it's safe to say that this film will be a great visual treat.

Hopefully we won't be getting that cop-out of an ending as we did in '98 where the military force is able to stamp out the Godzilla menace. Whereas in literally every other Godzilla movie ever, the military can barely hold a candle to Godzilla, if you've ever seen the '98 American version, you know he was killed by jet-fire. I think that happening again would be unlikely, but I'm not holding my breath.

And y'know what? I'm not at all surprised that Godzilla is completely CG, matter of fact, from the couple of glimpses we get of him, I think he looks fucking awesome. It's an updated version of him, which is fine because his looks are changed every couple of years, but it doesn't look wholly un-Godzilla like the '98 Godzilla did, who was actually acknowledged and renamed "Zilla" in the Japanese series. Matter of fact, Gareth Edwards stressed that it was important that this Godzilla felt like the Toho Godzilla.

This is the clearest shot we get of him.

As far as the other monster goes, not much is known. However, it's rumored that the foe will look something like this:

I've never seen that thing before so there may actually be a decent chance that the enemies featured in this one will be totally new. That may or may not be good news to you (Ghidorah's out of the running) but hell, at least it's something.

Godzilla has a release date set for May, 16th, 2014 so clear up your fucking calendar in advance because this looks promising.

Keep checking the Aculeus and I'll keep you guys updated with whatever comes my way.

Top 10 Reasons To Hate Grindcore

When I wrote my article titled Unquantifiable, I talked about how music is not something that can be graded but rather something that varies from person to person; that it's an entirely taste-based thing. That being said, I also jokingly remarked that this doesn't change the fact that if you listen to grindcore, you're still a fucking idiot. I wanted to elaborate on what I was talking about when I said that. Grindcore is a genre of metal that utilizes guttural growling, pig squealing, overdriven basses and so much guitar distortion that it becomes almost unrecognizable as an instrument. Here's a prominent grindcore band for reference.

Since I didn't want to make a whole long rant about this, I'll make it easy. Here's top 10 reasons to hate grindcore.

10. Embarrassing Band Names

"Oh, what sort of bands are you into?"

"These days I'm really digging Anal Cunt, Sperm Swamp, Meat Shits and Cock and Ball Torture."

Grindcore is a genre that is built upon shock-value and attention-seeking. Thus, most bands give themselves repulsive titles that you can't even discuss in public without sounding like a necrophiliac. It's one thing to have a name that's edgy and badass sounding like Darkthrone or Beneath the Massacre but grindcore takes it to a whole new level of stupidity.

9. Disgusting Lyrics

I know I'm starting to sound more and more like a mother who's kid listens to metal but seriously the lyrics of the typical grindcore band ranges from outright disposition towards everything to the point of absurdity, to graphic descriptions of gore, to something that sounds like it was written by a dirty minded sixth grader who just learned what sex is.

For example:

Randomly Raped Rectum by Lividity:

Now, I apologize because that's downright abhorrent but it's only the icing on the cake that is grindcore lyrics. If you're curious enough, you can go searching for yourself.

The thing that most bothers me about this is not that it's just gross and stupid but that most metal lyrics are about deep topics ranging from human nature, to life and death, to debating religion and other times just being about mythology or the natural world around us. Grindcore is an absolute joke by comparison.

8. Gross-Out Artwork

I'm not going to post any pictures of the sort of shit that grindcore bands like to use for their album covers because not only is it way beyond NSFW, I hate looking at it and I don't want to search for it. Once again, if you're curious enough, go looking for yourself but I warn you, it's nasty shit.

Who would want to have that sort of garbage in their music library or have it staring at them whenever it shuffles up on their MP3 player? Furthermore, the artwork shown on the covers of these albums prevents them from being able to be sold anywhere that has any kind of standards. Knowing that almost makes it seem that these bands are begging to have their shit pirated.

It's commonplace for death meal bands to put all sorts of gore on their album covers, but even there it's fucking annoying.

7. Void Fanbase

Good God, there's nothing worse than an avid grindcore fan. If you thought typical metalheads were bad, you have no idea. Go check out some grindcore forums or read the comments underneath a grindcore video on Youtube.

The fans are the kind of person who is enthralled by this sort of edgy-goad that these bands are intentionally appealing towards. They listen to grindcore purely to "like" something that no one else can stand and to seem badass. They are not badass. They are annoying.

6. Poser Artists

And while we're on the subject of posing, let's take a look at the artists themselves. These guys sing about killing random people, hating everything, rape, burning shit and just general deviance. So who are these mentally unstable, and seriously dangerous individuals? Let's take a look.

Here's a picture of Goat Eater trying to look as badass as possible.

Look out! He's gonna get you!

Not convinced these characters are true threats everyone around them? Take a look at Brutal Dissection.

Oh fuck! Leather jackets!

So basically, they're those weird kids who sat at the table in the corner when you were in high-school. I'm not saying that I'm disappointed that they're not murdering and raping everyone who crosses them, I'm saying they should practice what they fucking preach. Black metal bands talk about burning churches and sacrificing animals but the artists actually do that shit.
Oh, and by the way, if you were thinking that I'm being unfair and that black metal bands are likely the same thing, here's Gorgoroth.

5. Those Vocals

The vocals of that music you heard above was probably the most standout thing to you. I shouldn't even have to say anything about it because it's the bloody elephant in the room. It's growly, pig-squealing to the point of almost being funny. I cannot imagine seriously listening to that shit all the time.

4. Kettle Drums

Why is it that every fucking grindcore band in existence has to have kettle drums? If you don't know what kettle drums are, listen to that song above again. Or if you want another example, try this and pay attention to the drumming.

It's just a kind of drum that happens to sound like popcorn on cocaine. Once you notice that it's there, it's so blisteringly annoying that you'll never be able to focus on anything else. Why can't they just use, oh I don't know, normal drums? Like everyone else?

3. No Variety

As long as I'm talking about things that every grind band does, I may as well just address the overall lack of variety in general. In any other sect of metal, you'd be looking at dozens of sub-genres within those encompassing titles. In black metal alone, you have Raw Black Metal, Folk Metal, Ambient Black Metal, Avant-Garde Black Metal, Post-Black Metal, Atmospheric Black Metal, Industrial Black Metal, Viking Metal, Experimental Black Metal, Depressive Black Metal, Symphonic Black Metal, Melodic Black Metal and that's only scratching the surface.

When it comes to grind you've got, Grindcore (pure), Deathgrind (a combination of death and grind elements), Pornogrind (grindcore with lyrics about porn), Cybergrind (I honestly have no idea what that is) and Noisegrind (basically just noise). That is literally everything I found after searching dark grind forums.

2. No Respect Among The Metal Community

There's a reason that you'd have to look into strictly grindcore forums to find anything about grindcore. As far as the metal community is concerned, grindcore is not even considered metal. I am dead serious. If you've ever wanted to be laughed out of a metal thread, start talking about how much you love grind.

You will get shit on harder than a Torsofuk dream.

1. It Gives The Rest Of Us A Shitty Reputation

As much as almost every strongly held conception of metal and the metal community is largely false, people still consider it to be a kind of music dominated by freaks, killers and brain-dead headbangers. While bands like Cannibal Corpse have done nothing but reinforce that from day one, there's nothing that's holding that up to the extent that grindcore is.

With all of that absurd banging on kettle drums, extreme distortion, growls that are so guttural it's laughable, lyrics about gore and porn and names that are gross just to say, grindcore is almost a parody of the metal genre. If it were just that, a satyrical look at our community, not to be taken seriously (like the Weird-Al Yankovic of metal), that'd be fine with me. Unfortunately, that's not the case and people actually do take this music seriously.

Given all of that, it's no wonder metal is hated by everyone outside of it. You have to dig around all of that garbage to discover the poetic nature that encompasses the bulk of metal. So thank you cordially, grindcore, for not just making yourselves look like perverted teenagers going through a phase, but for making all of us look like that too.

Assassin's Creed: Revelations

In light of the recent release of Assassin's Creed IV (which is actually the sixth installment in the series) I thought I would set aside some time and talk about Revelations. Why, you ask? Because Assassin's Creed: Revelations was easily the worst installment in the series so far. As with every Assassin's Creed game, that opinion is far from being across the board; there are some aggregates who called Revelations the best AC game thus far, but I think most people would agree, this was a low point for the series.

Now, don't get me wrong. I love Assassin's Creed. Nobody was more ready for Revelations than I was. I preordered it, I had the poster, I was obsessed with the trailer and watched it probably a dozen times along with the various other gameplay showcases and such, I read all of the news covering it and I even went back and renewed some of the experiences from the older games just so everything was all fresh in my mind. I really wanted to love this game when I put the disc into my console on November 15th, 2011.

What I got was a bit disappointing.

First and foremost were the graphics. Now, I'm not one to get all uppity over such a thing, most of my favorite games are featured on older consoles. I know that fancy graphics do not a great game make but did anyone else watch the release trailer? Was there any doubt that this game would look stunning beyond what any other game had previously accomplished? Ezio does not look like the badass assassin master that we saw with a noose around his neck in the trailer, he looks... homely. I can't quite place it but they messed up his face somehow.

Next we have the setting. Before I played the game, I thought that Constantinople would be a really great city for Ubisoft to work their creative magic. It seemed ripe for the assassinating. When I got there, however, I realized it wasn't quite as fitting as I'd originally thought it would be. It was crowded, shrouded and all very much the same looking. It made me miss the clear openness of the previous installments or the many completely unique structures and city squares that those worlds were littered with. I found myself becoming very board very quickly with this dull landscape that you'd expect would be just the opposite. And sure, it's vibrant at first but after playing for a few hours, you'll know what I mean.

The next major issue is the equipment used within the game. The hookblade was a big selling point for this installment and it was supposed to be this awesome new tool that would reshape the way you play the game. However, if you've played AC III, you know that the hookblade isn't in that game at all so obviously, this did not happen. The hookblade could be utilized in many ways to assist in combat, escape, climbing or just getting around. Despite all of that, I found that I barely used the damn thing. Every chance I had the opportunity to use the mechanic, I either didn't think of it, found it was too difficult to go out of my way to pull off or I simply didn't require it. For instance, you can do this neat escape maneuver that does a flip over a stationary guard while you maintain your speed in a sprint but instead of doing that, I found it much easier to just run around the guard, that way there's no chance of me fucking up the timed button pressing. The only thing I regularly used it for was for zip-lining which was, admittedly, really cool.

Another equipment inclusion would be that of the reimagined bomb system. Whereas in the old games, you had a bunch of smoke bombs that could be used tactically to either make an opening or stall for an escape, in Revelations you'd be able to construct your own bombs and tailor them for use in various situations. This is done by combining a plethora ingredients that you can acquire throughout the world be it from a locked treasure chest or off of a dead guard's body. This is a neat idea and I can see where they were going with it as it encourages the player to explore and think tactically. Depending on what ingredients you use you can control the size of the explosion, method of detonation and the effect of the bomb. For instance, one bomb could just kill while one is a smoke bomb while still another is a blood bomb that creates panic. At first I got all enraptured in this idea and thought it was great until I realized something: they're all pretty much the same. Yep. The only real difference between bombs is that you have ones that kill and ones that stall. Size? Always go maximum, no reason not to. As for the detonation, don't bother with anything that's not explosion on impact after being thrown. I found that even after all of my meticulous planning I still had a very difficult time getting guards to walk across my tripwire bombs and even then it wasn't worth much when I could easily just kill him myself and be done with it.

Pictured: Being done with it.

When I play through Assassin's Creed games, I don't take any part of it for granted. I do everything from even the pettiest of side quests to collecting all of those elusive feathers and achievements. You know what's fun? Putting effort into obtaining money and then purchasing land in order to build a strong tax base in order to buy more equipment as well as more land and then being satisfied as you reap your rewards. You know what isn't fun? Finishing that only to have someone erase your hard work before telling you to do it all again. This is what I faced with Revelations which tasked me with buying all kinds of land and properties in the exact same manner that Brotherhood had me do. At least they upgraded and modified the process from AC II to Brotherhood but here it's just copied and pasted. I didn't even give it the time on my playthrough and to this day, it remains unfinished. Who wants to do all that shit twice?

Another thing that remains begrudgingly the same would be the Borgia tower missions. AC Brotherhood introduced this feature wherein if you systematically take out the Templar-backed Borgia fortresses, you could gain land and footholds towards taking Rome for the Assassins. Revelations lazily recycles this idea and by now, it's just tedious.

What's even worse is the addition of the tower defense mini-game which received ubiquitous disapproval. In this mini-game which occurs randomly during gameplay, Ezio must command his assassins to defend one of the multiple towers that you've won from the assailing Templars. You do this by positioning various squads at different vantage points. This is fun all of one time, after which it's a drag and you'll wish the Templars could just take the stupid tower and coexist. Furthermore, this completely dissolves the whole idea of the enduring secret war between the Assassins and Templars that is a (if not the) defining point in the story that sets up the universe. All of this sniping and bombing and exploding and marching and armies just kills it completely.

Ezio signals commands to his Assassins during a high profile tower invasion.

But what's probably the biggest complaint I have for this game is your invincibility. I could probably count on two hands the number of times I died during my playthrough of Revelations (not including the times I deliberately committed suicide). With the first AC game, you were fairly weak and charging head on into a big group of guards was a pretty dumb move, at least in the beginning of the game. The second game was much the same way and Brotherhood added in the assassin follower mechanic wherein, you can summon your underlings to take out menial targets for you. This was an interesting and useful addition to the game that spared you the trouble of going way out of your way to kill everyone and probably saved you more than once.
But in Revelations it's flat out abused. In Brotherhood, it takes awhile before you accumulate enough assassins to pull these stunts off but in Revelations you have it really early on. On the other hand, you don't really need the assassins because you're already so armed to the teeth with bombs, swords, guns, crossbows and a whole shit load of other things to keep any foe at bay. Once you figure out the fighting mechanics, nothing can touch you and the entire stealth feature goes out the window. Why even bother sneaking or trying to run away when you could easily just kill your way through anything? I found that I never had to even think about something before I just dove right in. I could use eagle vision and plan out a complicated attack but there's simply no reason to do so.
Well, the game does add in the full-synchronization feature from the other games, which is basically a bonus objective to complete in each mission (e.g. don't be detected, don't take damage) but I hate it just as much now as I did then. I almost always make an attempt for these bonus points just out of a sense of obligation but they take a lot of the fun of the game away from the player. If it's telling you exactly how it thinks you should approach the situation then whatever happened to the whole 'choose your own methods' thing? Furthermore, just trying for these frustratingly difficult goals often had me throwing my controller in anger. Long story short, the normal game is too easy but the full-synchronization is just too fucking hard.

But even after all of that, Assassin's Creed: Revelations is not that bad a game. I loved that they brought Altaïr back and after all those years, it was nice to get some closure to his story. However it was admittedly pretty absurd that you were sitting in your living room controlling Desmond who's in the Animus controlling Ezio who is controlling Altaïr... still however a great addition and big selling point for this game.
After all, the game is called Revelations and Ubisoft definitely made good on that. They cleared up a lot of the questions that had been floating around since the end of the first game. As far the story aspect goes, this game satisfies and excels. Interestingly, I didn't find the plot-twist at the end to be that, well... twisty. The reason being is not by any fault of the game by any means but rather because of an intricate side-quest in AC II that tasked the player with tracking down numerous runes and symbols hidden in out-of-the-way, otherwise unremarkable places. These runes are invisible unless you view them through eagle-vision, making them all the more obscure. After finding one, you unlock a challenging puzzle mini-game and upon completing that, you'll be granted a few fractions of a second of a clip. When you complete the entire clip, the game rewards you with something that makes a huge allusion to what is eventually explained at the end of Revelations. After I took many hours to laboriously track these down and having months to think about and hypothesize about the clip, I was able to arrive at a simplified version of the conclusion we're treated with in Revelations.
One of the reasons I love this series is because you can go and do things like that and to me, that just adds so much intricacy to the game. That they had this whole elaborate puzzle that they must have known only a handful of people would figure out.

On the other hand, the online multiplayer is also a very rewarding distraction. For Revelations, they took the existing formula they created for Brotherhood and innovated upon it, expanding it to accommodate more game-types and to appeal to more styles. I wish that the techniques utilized online were as prevalent in the story mode. Online, if you go high profile by sprinting everywhere and jumping around, you're doomed. The game rewards creative and stealthy approaches to your kills whereas in the single player, I found that there were multiple times where I simply had no choice but to engage in a head-on assault which would've practically been blasphemy if it were in the first or second game.
I don't hate Assassin's Creed: Revelations, not by a long shot. It's still a good game however, I wouldn't recommend it to anyone unless you're involved with playing through the series, in which case, you can't afford to miss it as it's integral to the lore of the game. It's still full of great mechanics and it's built atop an already awesome series but it's terribly flawed. The problem with taking a leap and going out on a limb as the Assassin's Creed games often do is that some times, the innovations just don't work out. However, Revelations was a combination of this and the exact opposite problem. Not changing enough. AC II was a massive step above the original and Brotherhood took that formula and perfected it. After two games of that, by the time I got to Revelations, I was ready for change that didn't come. They innovated in places that didn't call for it and left things that should have been amended. Overall, not a bad game but definitely below the standard that I hold for this exemplary series.

7/10 - Good formula. Flawed execution.

Top 10 Black Metal Logos

One of the major staples of black metal, the leading paradigm of bad stereotypes and concerned mothers in music, is their flamboyant usage of often illegible artwork that they display as their logo. These artworks generally include the band's name and are often quite impressive and intricate works. Today I'll be counting down my top ten and believe me, it was difficult to choose out of the many runners up.

10. Xasthur

This depressive American one-man-band is known for the usage of topics of suicide, despair and other comforting emotions as musical basis. The name Xasthur is a combonation of the name Xastur and Xenaoth, two spirits from some pagan thing or another. Another fun tidbit, the original band name was going to be Xasthuriath but it was shortened to just Xasthur in 1997. But fuck, that logo, man. It's like an explosion of angst.

9. Anataeus

This one has all kinds of shit going on in it. Look, for instance, to the top of the logo, you should be able to make out a 6-6-6. Anataeus is a classic, straight-up satanist band that is every bit as cliche as you've heard black metal is. That's all fine and dandy for some but the rhetoric is a bit tired and it's good to see the genre taking new strides in the past decade.

8. Wolves In The Throne Room

Good fucking luck reading that one. Every time I think I see the words lining up, they always manage to disappear on me. WITTR is a black metal duo of brothers who've been around since 2004. They fancy themselves with subjects such as mysticism and the natural world which gives them a less angry vibe than a lot of other black metal bands. I like that.

7. Agalloch

Still one of my all-time favorite metal bands, the Oregon band, Agalloch, has been going strong since 1997 and hopefully won't be stopping any time soon. Delivering music that is both calming as well as hellish seems impossible but is pulled off flawlessly by the foursome. I like that the logo looks wooden and gnarled like dead trees.

6. Nhor

And speaking of bands that are just as serene as they are deathy, the one-man-artist, who simply goes by Nhor, is my personal favorite ambient black metal band and is right up there with Agalloch for all-time best black metal. Nhor has all his artwork done by an artist who goes by Sin-Eater. Sin-Eater designs the many monochromatic and bleak as well as beautiful and inspiring works that accompany Nhor's music. It's a great compliment considering Nhor's heavy emphasis on nature within his works.

5. Ayat

This one has clearly crossed the line between trying to make out the words and simply trying to make out any letters at all. The band is called Ayat and yes, if you look hard enough, the letters are all there. This Lebanese, straight-black band pretty much just hates all of humanity. Fun stuff.

4. Aifur

This is one of those bands that obnoxiously refer to themselves as nihilists which is basically a fancy word for atheist. If you're not a theist you're an atheist, you don't have to pretty it all up. Regardless, just look at that fucking logo. The way the roots make up the letters is just awesome.

3. Exiled From Light

Now that is what I call a fucking black metal band. This is complete with a forest of long, gnarled tendrils; dark, silhouetted birds; a callous sliver of a shrouded moon and ominous, stygian shadows. Another lone artist, this guy likes to refer to himself as Mort... He should hang out with Gort, the giant robot cyclops from The Day The Earth Stood Still.

2. Forestfather

Yes. Here we can see the obscure, international, atmospheric/folk metal band, Forestfather, taking the formula from Exiled From Light and perfecting it. While it's true there isn't any crescent moons involved, the way the words form a tree, complete with crows alighting upon it's branches; the way the letters are wispy and include tiny details such as the dozens upon dozens of minuscule branches and twigs reaching off of it... this logo is just beautiful. Bravo.

So what could possibly beat this one?

1. Coldworld

I'm not really sure why, but I really love this one. It's so simple but at the same time, imposing. Coldworld is yet another one-man project that has released two albums since 2006. The logo is minimalist in black metal terms. It's design perfectly compliments the gray, austerity of it's artworks. Truly awesome design, well-done.

Runners up:

Unsurprisingly, there were several bands who didn't quite make the cut, however, I'd like to pay them homage as well.

Korgonthurus

Darkthrone

Addaura

Bosque                                                     Triste

Senthil

October Falls

Woods of Pestilence                                                        Dark Fortress

Austere

Those were just my top favorites. This was a hard list to make because even discluding the logos above, there are dozens of other bands I could've chosen. Did I miss any good ones?

Terrorvision

It's Halloween and I haven't been doing nearly enough horror related articles, so y'know what? Here's an obscure one for you.

Terrorvision is the film that future generations will use as the sole basis of judgement of the decade known as the 80's. Every inch of the film screams it with a fucking megaphone. You have your egregiously cliche adolescent stereotypes such as the fashion explosion of a teenage girl and her "metal" head boyfriend, and the younger boy who's into monsters and horror movies. These are our three protagonists that accompany us through this quirkiness. Alongside them are the two BDSM/sex obsessed parents who look goofier than they sound and the over-passionate veteran grandfather who brazenly brandishes his many medals across his chest for all to see.

However the over-animated cast of this film is merely the icing on the cake. The plot begins when the irate father is struggling with their satellite dish, trying to gain free access to the pay-per-view channels while the unhelpful repairman stands idly by. It isn't long before malfunctions occur and the satellite inadvertently intercepts the broken up particles of that horrific abortion of a movie monster that you see below. He vaguely reminds of the singing poo guy from Conker's Bad Fur Day but whatever, this predated that by multiple years regardless and, in all honesty, I've never seen movie monster quite like this guy. He's hilarious looking and I love the way he's always got a weird crooked smile.

So apparently, this sort of creature is kept as a pet from an alien planet however from time to time, the bastards mutate into whatever that thing is. Whenever that happens, the aliens callously fire the poo monster's molecules off into space and apparently this comes at the cost of a very, very slight chance of those molecules getting transmitted through human television sets causing them to reassemble within our unsuspecting living rooms.
So the whole plot centers around trying to deal with this grinning pile of fuck. After it gluttonously gorges itself on the parents and the couple they invited over to get freaky with, it's up to the kids to figure out what the hell to do with it. They try calling the generously endowed, horror-host, Medusa but she ends up being no help at all as she unmindfully dismisses their pleads for help with a scoff.

Good God.

So they take it upon themselves to try and house-train the thing. It happens to be quite accustomed to liquifying it's victims and then slurping up their goop. They try to feed it people food and lay out all sorts of processed goods in a pile atop a table but it's to no avail as the monster throws a fit and tosses everything aside. They try teaching it to talk but all he manages to do is sneeze all over them.
I neglected to mention that all the while, the characters have been going about ignorant of the alien broadcasting across their television screens who is desperately trying to warn them all about the monster. He instructs them to turn off all of their TV sets for at least 200 years but naturally everyone says, "yeah, fuck that," and they go right on TV watching regardless. Eventually the alien himself transports himself through the TV and into the living room in order to put to rest what he refers to as an inconvenience and humorously notes that he "might lose his job over this." The alien looks hilariously cliche and is something straight out of a 50's b-movie. He totes a comic-looking laser gun and wears a goofy fishbowl helmet that reminds me of the Robot Monster from the movie Robot Monster.

And speaking of Robot Monster, there's a clip in this very movie where the characters are watching Robot Monster. That's pretty funny to me but it's far from being the only classic horror film that can be seen on the television screen. In one scene they're watching 1000000 B.C. and in another scene they're watching The Giant (fucking) Claw. The portion of the movie spent watching the television is generous but it's a fun touch and I like trying to guess at what's on the screen.
But anyway, simply out of her own random interest, Medusa decides to show up at their house only to find a lot of strange goo and a big mess everywhere. She presumably arrives at the conclusion that what the boy was telling her over the phone might actually be real. So who could blame her for taking matters into her own hands when she sees this otherworldly extraterrestrial waving around a futuristic weapon? She promptly puts a hefty crack across his dome the alien's head pulls a Prometheus and explodes all over the inside of his helmet.
The setting of the house is so bizarre just in of itself. There's strange, artful porn all over the walls, roman statues and the color schemes and layout seem to make no logical sense whatsoever. It's all around just such an odd movie. One of the things I think is really strange is the backyard set. Past what looks like a small jungle of ferns and other various plants is, well... nothing. It's just an infinite blue void; no hills, no roads, houses or anything.
And y'know what, this needs to be said but I can't find a place for it in the review. There's a random moment where Medusa is talking and the camera just zooms in on her cleavage until it fills up the whole screen (didn't take much zooming). I don't know what that's about.

But for all of the frames of this movie I could show you, or all the random bits and details I could pick out, I couldn't ever do it any justice. It's something that needs to be seen to really be believed. I can't describe to you how the poo pile moves around and kills people but it's a delight to behold. I actually would recommend this movie because it's just good ol' cheesy stuff and it's quite funny in it's own right. I found my self laughing aloud more times than I could count while watching it. If you want something funny, quirky, self-aware and kinda out-there, Terrorvision is the film for you.

7.5/10 - Funny and different.

Gravity

Gravity is a film that is every bit as breathtaking as it sounds. It begins with a brief but effective pre-title sequence where a few sentences display upon the screen that say something to the effect of, "In Space, temperature fluctuates from x to y. There is no sound, no pressure, no air. It is completely uninhabitable." It's a great way to start a movie and it instills in us a sense of foreboding.

This film prides itself on it's incredibly long, continuous shots. It's impressive to be able to do something like that, and the camera moves all around from each spacewalking character in order to keep the audience from getting bored.

This of course would impossible as we're too busy feasting our eyes on the phenomenal cinematography. For movie-goers who enjoy a heavy emphasis on visual quality, Gravity is the pièce de résistance. Every single second of this film is jaw-droppingly gorgeous. From the massive still shots of the rotating earth, to the exquisite detail of the spaceship interior, every inch of Gravity is a sight to behold. Seriously, it can't even be emphasized it enough, visually, Gravity is easily one of the best-looking and most beautiful films in existence.

The cinematography is beyond impressive. The camera flawlessly glides about the set and it turns and rotates unpredictably which, at times, is a sickening effect but it effectively captures the sensation of zero gravity.

As far as the plot goes, it's very simple. George Clooney plays an experienced astronaut who's carrying out his last mission before retirement, while Sandra Bullock is just the opposite, a doctor on her very first job in space. It isn't long before Houston detects a deadly barrage of satellite debris heading straight for them. Their evasive measures fail catastrophically and the station they're inhabiting is severely damaged. The only survivors are George and Sandra and they now find themselves stranded 30,000 kilometers above the earth.

One of the things that make this film such an ethereal experience is that it's shaped with minimalism in mind. This is clearly discernible from the poster which depicts a tiny astronaut floating in an endless black void and even the short one word title. While Gravity certainly takes no moment for granted, it manages to maintain that style. There aren't many actors and there isn't always a lot going on during every moment. The movie is also full of distant shots that dwarf the actors against the brilliant horizon.

It seemed that throughout the film, the air would be sucked right out of the theatre as every audience member found themselves holding their breath. As the actors scramble to grab onto any nearby object to save themselves from soaring out into deep space, or as they desperately figure out how to navigate the skies, we as an audience feel like we're right there with them and it's downright, edge-of-your-seat thrilling.

But Gravity goes a step further and goes for a more emotional touch. We slowly learn about the characters little by little and Sandra tells a pretty heart-wrenching story about her daughter who passed away not very long prior. What it ultimately comes down to is finding the will to live.

Unfortunately, Gravity has received much backlash from audiences who choose to pick it apart and point out every minor scientific inaccuracy. It's very infuriating that this topic must be addressed yet again and it's simply beating a dead horse by now. Compared to the standard science-fiction film, Gravity seems genuinely real. There wasn't a single moment of outright, brazen unrealism and so Gravity is pardoned. If audacious fiction is distracting to the movie, that's where the line is drawn but in Gravity, this is far from being the case. Try to enjoy a film for what it is.

Gravity is an exhilarating, dazzling, beautiful blast of fresh air. There aren't too many films quite like it. I highly recommend seeing it before it goes out of theatres because seeing there is a wholly different experience.

9.5/10 - Don't miss it.